


when we were young

by meadowfairy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-29 02:09:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30149142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meadowfairy/pseuds/meadowfairy
Summary: dean and castiel met in pre-school. they were best friends until dean moved suddenly and they didn’t speak for seven years. but then michael, castiel’s brother is getting married. dean and cas both go back home and immediately start to make up for everything they were scared to do as children. but it’s not as easy as they think, and nothing is going right.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Charlie Bradbury/Jo Harvelle, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> \- Flashback chapters are every 5 chapters. They often skip around to show how Dean and Cas’s friendship/relationship with each other and others has changed based on the previous memory.  
> \- Cancer trigger (Does not apply to Dean or Cas), homophobia trigger, verbal and mild physical abuse trigger, death trigger (does not apply to Dean or Cas), attempted suicide trigger, mental health issues trigger  
> \- No smut, most that will be done is implication.  
> \- The chapters switch between the POV of Dean and Cas, all from the first person.  
> \- Cas will quickly but somewhat gradually start to think, talk and act more like his teen and child self as Dean becomes more adamant in his life again. This was on purpose.  
> \- This is not canon compliant.  
> \- Childhood best friends to lovers  
> \- Angst with a happy ending  
> \- Title inspired by When We Were Young by Adele

Chapter 1  
CASTIEL

There’s something about snow that has always resonated with me. It’s beautiful when it’s new. When no one has shoveled it or walked on it or played with it. When cars haven't driven over muddy puddles that splattered it and made it grey. When it’s smooth and fresh, it is beautiful. And the second it’s been harmed, you don’t like it anymore. When you have to deal with it, you complain. But it melts after a while, and you’ll forget it was ever there.

But there was one person who treated me like everlasting fresh snow. Looked at me with the gleaming wonders of a child when little fluffy flakes fell from the sky and landed on the leaves and sharp blades of grass. And then he left too. 

Not by choice, of course. He would never. His love was infinite and unconditional. It is unfair of me to say he left me. It is not the truth. He did not leave me. He was taken, which maybe seems dramatic, but that’s how it felt. 

I remember every detail about the day they took him from me. The smell of the room, the sound of the cracking fire, the taste of the smoky air. But mostly I remember the way he looked at me when he had to go. His green eyes, shimmering like rhinestones with the tears of the way he said goodbye. 

But yes. He treated me like fresh snow. And then we melted together. 

I hear the sound of a robin outside my far bedroom window. The robin is in a nest on the old oak tree by my apartment. The small chirp it sang snapped me out of the trance I allowed myself to fall into. Thinking. I think too much. Especially the past few years. 

I pick up a book. I enjoy reading. I get to immerse myself in something that is not a real issue I have to deal with or concern myself with. It is a world of words on a cream-colored page. It is relaxing to feel the soft sheets of paper under my fingertips and hear the words echo in my focused brain. 

Today I read a Jane Austen novel. Persuasion. I have come to find I really enjoy Jane Austen. Her work is fascinating and delicate in ways I truly seem to admire. I am engaged when I read her novels. 

The buzz of my phone disrupts my reading after 45 minutes. I don’t bother to check who is calling me before I answer. 

“Hello?” I murmur with gravel. I have not yet spoken today. My voice is not awake as my eyes and mind are. 

“Castiel!” My cousin Hael. It’s odd, her calling me. I don’t often speak to my non-immediate family. 

“Hael. It’s good to hear your voice. How is London?” I don’t care how London is, to be completely honest. I simply know correct manners. I, however, do not want to be speaking with Hael. 

“It’s great. Beautiful, really. I think you would like it here. Anyway, I’m sure you wonder why I am calling you?”

I grunt in acknowledgment while distracted by a drip from my kitchen sink which, probably, is more important to me than this conversation. 

“Well, I’m calling to tell you that I am releasing my first book. The official date is May 15th of this year. I know we don’t talk very often and we don’t agree on a lot, but I would appreciate your… support on this. Spread the news to people. Buy it yourself when it’s out. You know, simple family gestures.”

The word fuels me. My cousin may be blood but she is not my family. Why should I bother to buy her miserable book, anyway? I know the things she writes about. All her books are rip-offs of whatever’s popular. She just takes something big and makes it worse. 

“Right. Yes, of course, Hael. Congratulations, I’m very happy for you.” Lies, again. I won’t waste my energy treating Hael the way she deserves to be treated. I won’t start any more rifts in my family before 12 PM. And wow, it’s only 11:32

“Thank you, Castiel. It’s good to see we can be adults. Goodbye.” She hangs up before I can speak. My relatives, honestly. They make my sanity uncoil. The only ones I can seem to enjoy are my parents and siblings and one cousin. They are good, unlike the rest. 

I watch the robin again. It has not left its nest for a long while now. I wonder if it is with eggs. Maybe. It chirps a sound again, and I smile shortly, and very slightly. It stays in its warm territory made of delicate twigs and other miscellaneous items from the earth. It is content. I wonder what it is like to be content. I have not been content for many years, and I genuinely do not remember the feeling. 

A droplet of water splashed against a windowpane. Another follows, and then more. The rain comes slowly at first. It is a light drizzle. But it quickly picks up speed and ferocity. I put on a record of orchestra music and sit in my soft, cozy chair. I begin to read again. 

I don’t hear the knocking at first. I was engulfed in printed words. But the sound of the pounding on my door grew louder and sucked me out of the world I built in my brain. It’s 12:28. 

“Oh, sorry, I’m coming!” I yell, louder than my throat was okay with. I open the door and see my eldest brother. “Michael! What are you doing here?”

He puts on the welcoming smile he wears with so much pride. “Hey, Cassie. I have some big news. I proposed to Hannah! She said yes, and we’re getting married!”

I smile very wide. Hannah is a nice woman. I have never seen Michael love anyone as much as he loves her. They are a match made in heaven. I tell Michael all of this, and I tell him how happy I am for him.

“We don’t think we’re going to do anything huge or anything that takes too long. Hannah has a cousin who is a baker and chef, she’s catering. We’re not hiring a DJ, just making playlists. We think we’ll do it at the old house. Dad already gave us the okay on that. What else… oh, Dean said he could design invitations-”

I cough loudly. “You- you still talk to Dean?” Last I heard, Dean had gotten a graphic design internship. He always did love it. I hadn’t spoken to him since he left. 

“Oh. Um, no, not really, but I called him to tell him about the news and he offered to make invites. It just seemed so simple, I’m so sorry Castiel, I didn’t think.” I wave him off. 

“There’s no reason to apologize. You’re right. It’s easy. I just haven’t talked to him since…” Michael gapes. I know why. It has been a stupidly long period of time.

“Since he left? Castiel, it’s been 7 years.”

He could not understand. John Winchester took him from me. He changed Dean’s number, wouldn’t give me their new address, made him get a new email. But even if I could contact Dean as I can now, I wouldn’t. It hurts too much. It burns something fierce in my soul and I am hyper-fixated on moving on. 

“I couldn’t. You know the… precautions… John Winchester took,” I mutter angrily. Michael gives me a “you can now” type of expression. I shake my head. 

“I think… I know… Dean doesn’t want to hear from me. It would only bring back bad memories. I don’t want to suddenly reappear in his life and cause any stress or anything. Dean is doing well, it seems. I am doing… fine.”

Michael scopes my face for lies and finds plenty. He smiled pitifully and shook his head. 

“Look, if Dean were interested in talking to me, he would have reached out. I’m not the one who-” I cut myself off. He didn’t leave. He didn’t leave. He didn’t leave. Stop blaming him. He didn’t leave. He was taken away. He didn’t leave you. “I’m not the one who went away. It’s been 7 years, Michael. If he wanted to talk to me, he would’ve. Anyway, he’ll be at the wedding?” Michael nods. “Then I’ll see him there. Happy?”

“No, but I don’t think there is much more I can say. You’ve always been very stubborn, Castiel. I don’t think that will ever change.”

A light chuckle escapes from my mouth and I nod. “Yes, I would agree with you there.”

Michael stays for lunch. He asks me to be his best man, along with our other brother, Gabriel. Gabriel and I are twins. He asks that we write the speech together, which should be no trouble. We’ll get my intellect and deepness, along with classic Gabriel jokes and flair. We have always been good at evening each other out.

But even in the midst of thinking of things for this speech, Dean is on the top of my mind. I haven’t seen him since I was 17. 7 years ago. And now I’m going to have to see him at the wedding.

I should email him.

Dear Dean,

Hello, Dean! It has been so long! I have heard that you have gotten an internship in graphic design. I’m so happy for you, I know how interested in GD you have always been.  
I am emailing you because I heard-

This is stupid. He knows I’ll be at my own brother’s wedding. I don’t need to warn him. It’s too awkward. I backspace the email. I can see him. I know I can.

After 2.5 weeks, the invites are out. Michael was being serious, apparently, when he said they wanted it to be quick. He couldn’t wait for Hannah to be his wife. The wedding is in a little less than a month. At my old house. In my old town. I haven’t been back in a while. A little over a year, I think.

One month of mental preparation. It can’t be that hard to see him again. We were friends. We didn’t have a falling out or some objectionable fight. We just fell out of touch. As far as I’m concerned, we’re still on good terms. Why wouldn’t we be? Even if we did have some disastrous fight or falling out, it’s been 7 years. That’s a long time.

And truly, I am being selfish. Who am I to make my brother’s wedding about seeing a figure from my past. I’m revolting for it. This is Michael and Hannah’s big day. Their wedding and I am still thinking about Dean. God, I can’t let a single thing go, no matter how hard I try. Especially something as important to my life as Dean. I miss him every day.

I look out my window. It is sunny in Hutchinson. The light shines through the glass onto my skin and is warm. It’s comfortable. I sit in a chair in the sun in my apartment. I have to work today. I might as well work in the sun. 

I, like Hael, am a writer. Not a novel writer. I write a newspaper for my town. There isn’t a lot going on to write about, so I often put poetry sections where I write some of my own work, a few poems, and then I’ll write about the weather and any upcoming events at the schools or for the town. I get paid a decent amount. Enough to live a sustainable life. 

I studied journalism at NYU but I missed Kansas. I love it here. And Hutchinson is a sweet town. I like it. It’s quiet, but not too quiet. It’s a good place to live. 

The robin left the other day. She hasn’t come back yet, but I was able to see 3 eggs in the nest, so I expect she’ll come back soon. She can’t just leave her eggs forever. She cares for them. Birds don’t just leave their eggs. I hope she is okay. I hope I see her again. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to her and her eggs. I have grown fond of her chirps and the way she rested delicately in her nest. She made me feel comforted. I hope she’s doing well. 

I decide to leave my apartment today. I haven’t in a week and even before that it was usually just a short drive to the post office. But today I’m going to drive until the wheels fall off and then find my way back to Hutchinson. 

I hope there will be some inspiration for poetry on the road. There are plenty of things I see out there that feel so beautiful that words emerge from my brain like waterfalls, filling my head until it floods and I need to get it down on paper or I’ll overflow. 

I don’t know where I’m going. I’ve been driving for a little over two hours now. I put on Elton John for the ride. I listened to Rocket Man about 7 times before I finally let the next song play. There’s something about that song that feels so meaningful when you’re driving. 

It’s about 2:00 now. I should get lunch. I’ll be starving soon. I’m in a town called Lebanon. Lebanon. Why does that sound so familiar? 

There’s a diner. It’s plain, but it’s crowded. Probably popular. A young woman at the hostess stand greets me with an excessively large grin. She looks very excited. 

“Hi, welcome to Bobby’s! Is this your first time dining with us?”

I put on my polite face and fix my tired posture. “Yes, it is. I’m just passing through.” 

The woman smiles. I look at her name tag. Donna. She’s pretty. She seems kind. 

“Well, welcome! You can follow me to your table.”

Lebanon. Lebanon. Where do I know that from? This is going to bother me all day. Lebanon. 

Oh no.

The Winchester’s moved to Lebanon. 

And as far as I’m concerned, they all still live here. 

I need to get out of here as soon as possible.

I order a salad. It comes out quickly. I essentially swallow it whole. I pay cash. I walk out to the parking lot. I made it. Almost.

“Seeya, Winchester!” I hear a random voice yell from across the parking lot. I start walking faster.

Please don’t be Dean. Please don’t be Dean.

“Castiel?” Sam. Sam Winchester. Dean’s younger brother. 19. Smart. He’s a really nice person. 

“Sam,” I speak as if it’s not completely strange that we’re talking. He looks nervous.

“What- what are you- are you- what are you doing here?” 

Last I saw Sam, he was 12. He had a high voice and was somewhat small. Now, he’s taller than me.

“I… I honestly don’t know. I hadn’t left my apartment in a few days so I decided to just get in the car and drive and then I got hungry and ended up here and then I realized where I was and I… Now I’m talking to you.”

Sam laughs. This takes me back. Dean and I tried to include Sam a decent amount. He laughed a lot. Such a happy kid. He never stopped smiling. He looks so different now.

“Does… does Dean know you’re here?” I shake my head. 

“Only you.” I feel a lump in my throat. My voice wavers as I speak again. “Please don’t tell Dean you saw me.”

A new look washes over Sam’s face. Pity. It makes me feel sick. My childhood best friend's little brother, who I haven’t seen in 7 years, is looking at me with pity. And I am crying in front of him. About Dean. I don’t want pity, and I don’t deserve it. If it wasn’t for me, the Winchester’s never would have moved. They would’ve continued their lives the way it was. Yet Sam is looking at me with pity.

“Okay. I won’t. It’s good to see you, Castiel. I’ll see you at Michael’s wedding.”

“Wait, Sam. How- How are you? H-how is Dean?”

“I’m good, I go to Stamford now, but the semester just ended, so. And Dean is pretty good. He’s got a graphic design internship.”

“Yeah, I heard about that. I’m so happy for him. Proud of him. And you, Stamford? Sam, that’s amazing! You always were so smart, and as it seems, you still are. Well, I won’t keep you. I should get going anyway. It was great seeing you.”

I wipe my tears and they dampen the soft layers of skin on my hands. I give a small, sad smile to Sam who pulls me into a hug that makes me begin to cry again. It lasts for a few seconds. 

“Goodbye, Sam.” 

I go home and I cry in the car. I cry in the elevator. I cry in my apartment. 

Sometimes, the world just feels so vicious. It is not generous. On days when I try to make myself happy, I seem to experience the most heartbreaking, devastating things. Things that will make me feel sick to my stomach and cry for hours. Things that the world knows I cannot handle. I do not think it’s fair how the world feels so involved in my personal life. It pokes and it molds and I feel completely out of control. I try to do something good for myself and then I see Sam Winchester and it was so much harder than I ever thought it would be.

But then I look out my window. And do you know what I see?

The robin.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
DEAN

When I was 5, I found out what a crush was. When I was 8, I found out what love was. When I was 10, I understood what love meant, and when I was 12, I felt love for the first time. It was a weird-ass feeling. I felt so amazing yet so fucked up at the same time. When I was with him, I felt beautiful and I felt happy in a way I didn’t with my other friends. Or anyone else in general. And I would’ve given- I would give anything for him.

But like I said, I also felt massively fucked up. I have a shitty father who couldn’t get his head out of his ass and realize that some guys like other guys and some girls like other girls and that’s not bad. But he was a dick. And he tried to raise me with his beliefs. I was never a homophobe. Clearly. I accepted that I was bi at 15 and came out to the only person I’ve ever been in love with. And now I don’t even have him.

But I mean, hey, look at me now. I have an internship at the company of my dreams. I have an apartment. I have a beautiful car. I have a few friends who keep me in line. I’ve got a place where I buy my coffee. I’m doing well.

But god, if I don’t miss him. You’re not just friends with someone for 13 years and then get over it in a day. Granted, it has been 7 years. But he is a big part of who I am today.

My phone vibrates twice, and then stops, and then vibrates twice again. Sam is calling.

“Hey, Sammy. What’s up?” I ask, fake interestedly. As much as I love Sam, I don’t want to talk to anyone right now. It’s my designated moping time.

“I promised I wouldn’t tell you about this. I, uh, I just think you’d like to know.” This got me a little nervous. Sam has a tendency of being dramatic. I have to relax.

“What?” Is all I can think to say. He clears his throat awkwardly which really pushes me to the edge of my seat. “Damnit, Sammy will you just spit it out already?”

“I saw Castiel Novak today.” My stomach flipped. “He, uh, he was driving around and ended up passing through Lebanon and stopped for food and I ran into him in the parking lot.”

My heart is racing. Did Cas know where he was? Shit, what if he was going to try to see me and chickened out. No. Sammy said he was passing through. He was probably just passing through. Funny coincidence. Fucked up coincidence. 

“You- Cas? You saw Cas?” Sam hums some “yes” noise. “Did- How- How is he?”

God, Cas. Those blue eyes, that fluffy dark hair, the sound of his laugh, and his smile. I know them like the back of my hand. Fuck, I miss him. I miss him so much. And Sam is the one who gets to see him? This is bullshit.

“He’s good. I think. We didn’t talk for long. He asked how I was, and I told him about Stamford, and then he asked how you were doing, and I told him about your graphic design internship, but he already knew. He said he was happy for you and he was proud of you. He also started crying and asked me not to tell you I saw him, but I figured you’d want to know. He seems like he misses you. And you’ll see him at the wedding, so hopefully, you guys can talk there.”

Fuck. I didn’t even think about that. Hannah and Michael’s wedding, Cas would be there. I’m such an idiot, of course, he’d be there. It’s his brother’s wedding. Why wouldn’t he be? 

I’m tapping my foot rapidly and my kitchen floor. The tile is a creamy yellow. It’s kind of ugly if I’m being completely honest. I can’t wait to get a real house. A pretty house, fill it with kids and a wife or a husband. Okay, Dean, back to the call.

“Yeah. Yeah, it’ll be good to see him. It’s been so long.”

Too long is what I should actually say. 7 god damn years. It was March 18th, it was snowing, which was weird, it was around 4:30. 

“Yeah. Well, I gotta go, Jess is on her way. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

I hear the tone. I clench my fists and feel my hand whooping through the air and my phone sliding out. It lands with a crash and surprisingly doesn’t break. 

I sit down at my computer. I need to find a way to contact him. 

I look up Castiel Novak and he comes up. Newspaper writer in Hutchinson. His email and phone number are listed on the site for submissions of stories or ads. This works too, I guess. I decide to email.

Dear Castiel.

Hey, man. It’s Dean, which you probably know from receiving this email. Sam told me he ran into you, and I know you told him not to tell me but don’t be upset with him, I’m glad he told me. 

I also want to apologize. I know I probably overstepped when I told Michael I’d do the invites and everything. I know it’s been a while, but you and your family are still really important to me. I hope you’re well, Cas.

Dean Winchester

It takes me a few minutes to gather up the courage to hit send. I realize that I haven’t said much, so there isn’t a lot that can be read into, which calms my nerves a bit. I hit send.

I pace. I watch some random show and I eat chicken and I avoid going to see if he responded. I’m too nervous. But then my computer chimes. It’s a little bell sound. Right. The ringtone I installed for emails.

NEW EMAIL FROM castiel.novak@hutchinsonpaper.com. CLICK TO READ.

I can feel the blood coursing through my veins. I hear the beat of my heart pounding in my temples. My finger trembles as I open the email.

Dean

It’s great to hear from you after all these years. It really has been far too long. I am not surprised Sam told you we bumped into each other, it was expected. He has gotten shockingly tall. 

Please, don’t apologize. It’s very kind and truthfully, very convenient, what you’re doing for Michael. Plus, we both know how amazing you are at graphic design. Speaking of which, congratulations on your internship! I’m so happy for you and proud of you. You completely deserve it, your artistic abilities are unmatched. I can’t wait until I see your work everywhere.

I am excited to see you at the wedding. It’ll be nice to reunite after all this time and catch up. I have missed you a lot, Dean. I really am thrilled to hear from you.

Cas.  
He was always the smart one, I shouldn’t be so insecure that his email was like 10 times better than mine. He literally works for a newspaper. His was going to be better.

I decide not to reply. Maybe this is cliche or dramatic, but I kind of want the whole “reuniting” thing to be big, and if we email a lot beforehand, it won’t be. I also don’t know how to reply without sounding like a dumbass. 

If anytime before 7 years ago, you told me I would have this awkward email encounter with Castiel Novak, I would never believe you. We were too close for that. He was my best friend for 13 years. I hate my asshole father.

I think about that night all the time. What I could’ve said. What I could’ve done. The entire situation was handled poorly. I could’ve fixed it. I could’ve saved it.

Cas used to tell me that I didn’t need to save everyone. It’s not my job to fix the world. “You can’t save everyone, my friend.” I felt responsible for things that I didn’t need to. Cas knew that since we first met. Sam broke his toy and I felt like I needed to be the one to buy him a new one and make him feel better. 

The words of Cas’s email rattle in my skull for the rest of the day. And the next. And the whole week after that. There are only 3 weeks until the wedding. 21 days of preparation and desperation and pining. And then I’ll see those blue fucking eyes and dark, unruly hair, and nothing else is going to matter. I’ve waited for 7 years. This is all I’ve wanted and all I’ve asked for and it’s right in front of me and is right around the corner. So why am I so afraid? Why am I so hesitant?

I remember a day around 12 years ago. I was 12, Cas was 13. We were watching a horror movie. Cas was always such a fucking wuss when it came to horror movies. He flinched, screamed, jumped more times than I can count on my hands and toes. But anyway, we were watching some random horror movie and something scared the shit outta Cas, I mean, he screamed so loud and he jumped and he grabbed my hand and I burst out laughing and then when he finally relaxed he didn’t let go of my hand and I didn’t stop him. It shouldn’t have been such a big thing. We were best friends of like 7 years. It couldn’t be that crazy. But god, it felt like everything to me. It rattled me. Kept me up. I held hands with him for over an hour and we didn’t think anything of it. Friends. Friends hold hands all the time. 

But this whole email/wedding situation feels a lot like it. It really doesn’t mean anything. We’re being friendly and normal but it feels so exhilarating and it’s keeping me at the edge of my seat and I know I’m reading too much into it but it feels so huge at the moment. What’s that called? Champagne problem?   
Sometimes I worry about him. I know I shouldn’t, he’s a grown man with a job, and a house, and a life, and he’s completely capable of living a substantial and normal life, but he’s Cas. He’s awkward and he stresses and he thinks low of himself. He doesn’t make himself a priority and lets himself get lost in fiction. I hope he’s okay and I worry about him.

I wonder what he actually looks like now. I usually imagine him looking like he did at 18, but I’m sure he’s changed in 7 years. I assume that his hair is probably still fluffy and spiky and wild, and I sincerely hope he still wears his trenchcoat, but I can’t be sure of these things. It’s been 7 years. Cas is older now. He’s probably changed at least a little bit. I should expect that. 

I think I’ve changed. I don’t wear as much flannel. I still wear a decent amount, but somewhat less. I made my hair a little fluffier, less slick. I don’t think I’ve changed a lot, but I do think I’ve changed.

And I’ve changed more emotionally than I have physically. I’m not as much of a womanizer, and I’ve laid off that toxic masculinity. I let myself cry now, I don’t try to be so tough all the time. I’m less of a jackass, is what I’m trying to say. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a jackass, just less.

Cas was never a jerk. I don’t know how or why he put up with me. He was always nice to everyone. Without even a thought. He didn’t hit on people the way I would. He didn’t drink as I did. I mean, he drank, but never to the point that he was wasted. Well, there was one time he got pretty wasted, but that was only once. He would actually offer to be the designated driver. 

If he ever saw anyone upset, or sad, or whatever the hell it was, he was there. He sat with them or whatever they needed until they were okay. He was so good with people’s emotions, which is something I was never good at. The only friend I ever let myself cry in front of or even show any sign of sadness or anxiety or some shit in front of was Cas, but we had known each other since we were 4. 

He also had a really bad tendency to put everyone above himself. I remember one time Cas didn’t sleep, shower and he had barely eaten for a week because he was so busy helping other people. We were on a walk and he just passed out. I had to carry him back bridal style because we left our phones at his house. I felt so awful because he was complaining that he felt kind of dizzy and weird before and I brushed it off like, “It’s probably nothing, you’re probably just hungry. We’ll stop for food.” And then he fainted and I had an “oh shit” moment. But he had been so preoccupied helping other people that he literally passed out.  
My apartment doorbell rings and when I open it I see Charlie Bradbury, my best friend from work. She’s a college intern, only 19. She looks nervous. She’s biting her lip, and she’s pinned her hair back so she’s not playing with it like she normally would. However, she is fiddling with the button on her shirt. 

“Charlie? What-”

She bursts into tears. Just full-on sobbing. 

“Oh- um…” I pull her in for a hug. “What happened, kiddo?”

She pulls back and wipes her tears. “Dorothy broke up with me for another girl. Fucking rando from her chem course. She literally just dumped me like we haven’t been dating since we were 14! She kicked me out of her apartment and now I have to live in the stupid, shitty dorms. She said she’d mail my stuff over when I’ve got a place. I can’t believe she could just dump me like that after 5 years! Over a girl she met 3 months ago who she doesn’t even know is gay!”

God. This was awful. Charlie was really so in love with Dorothy, I mean the way she looked at her I haven’t seen in a long time. And they seemed like a really good couple when I met Dorothy. To think that she’d dump Charlie- Charlie- for a girl from her chemistry class makes my blood boil. But right now I need to be there for Charlie.

“Charlie. Look at me. Fuck her. She doesn’t even realize how much worse this for her than it is for you. She’s an idiot! And you just got out of a relationship with a girl who obviously is a moron that doesn’t deserve you. Listen. You are smart, funny, hot, awesome and the coolest fucking person I know. So you are not going to stand here crying and feeling sorry for yourself. Well, first you’re gonna do that, I have ice cream in my freezer. We’ll eat ice cream and watch stupid rom-coms with stupid couples. And you cry your heart out. And then after tomorrow, no more. I’m going to a wedding in two weeks and you are gonna be my plus one. And at this wedding, I have to see the guy I told you about and you’re going to distract yourself with that. Okay?”

Charlie let out a sad nod and curled up in the corner of my couch. I pulled out ice cream.

“Mint chocolate chip, cookie dough, or coffee? You know what? Screw it, let’s have ‘em all.”

I put on 10 Things I Hate About You first. Charlie bawled her face off and said the poem with Kat. She could not stop crying.

“I hate the way I don’t hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.” 

She fell asleep halfway through 16 Candles. I threw out the empty ice cream buckets and threw a blanket over her. I went to bed. I don’t know exactly when I fell asleep. 

1 week until the wedding. Charlie and I have just decided that she’ll move in with me. It makes sense. I live close to her school, we work at the same place, and we’re best friends. We turned my “office” (never been used) into her room. Charlie bought a jumpsuit for the wedding and I bought a suit. I’ve never been the type of person to dress fancy. The last time I wore a full-blown suit was the dance senior year of high school, which was five years ago. Even at interviews I just wore button-ups. But I want to look nice. 

Charlie has completely invested herself into the “seeing Cas again” situation. She’s convinced herself that we are madly in love and have some tragic, beautiful story that will put Romeo and Juliet to shame. It’s awkward to talk about most times, but I’ve gotten used to Charlie romanticizing things.

“What if when you see each other you make that big dramatic eye contact for a moment too long and then you get interrupted by something? That would be awesome!” Charlie explains. I roll my eyes.

“Charlie, I’m not making this some huge deal. I’ll probably go over to him when I see him, give him a hug and talk to him for a while to catch up. It’s been seven years, I don’t even know if there’s anything there anymore.” She knows I’m bluffing. She knows I kind of want the drama of it. She knows there’s still something there, at least on my part. But the good thing about Charlie is that as invested as she gets, she knows boundaries and will shut up when she knows she should.

“Maybe this will be a good chance to get back in touch. You know, like, don’t go radio silent for years until some huge event brings you back together. You can be friends again. I think that would be really good for you, you know. Even if that’s all this succumbs to.”

6 days.

Charlie and I call in for work. We’ll be out Friday. I call Michael and tell him Charlie will be my plus one.

5 days.

I get a wedding gift for Michael and Hannah. A plate and bowl set from their register. 

4 days. 

Nothing in particular. It was a lot of boring.

3 days.

Mental preparation at work. Old town. Old friends.

2 days. 

We pack. The drive tomorrow will be enough work already, so we back a day ahead.

1 day. 

We drive to Lawrence and get a room at a motel in town

It feels so weird to be back. I already know exactly where Charlie and I are going tonight. I had a friend in high school whose family owned a bar. The Roadhouse. 

“What’s your friend's name?” Charlie asked on the walk to The Roadhouse. 

“Jo and Ellen Harvelle. Fair warning, they are both tough and have a very big personality.”

I feel very nostalgic walking into this parking lot. My heart is beating fast out of excitement, and then I see a brunette and a blonde on the far side of the room, writing on a chalkboard. Jo and Ellen. I walk over quietly and put my hands over both their eyes.

“Jesus! What the fuck?” Jo yells. Charlie and I laugh quietly.

“Guess who.”

It takes them a second.

And then Jo gets it.

“Holy fucking shit.” She turns around. “Dean!” She throws her arms around me and is crying happy tears. I hug her tight and I know. I’m home now. It’s not a dream. I’m home now.

“Dean Winchester, as I live and breathe!” Ellen cries. 

“Hey, Jo, Ellen.”

Ellen sniffles and wipes her tears off, looking up at me with a smile. “It’s been too long! What are you doing back? And who’s this?” She asks, gesturing to Charlie who now looks nervous and kind of flustered and staring at Jo. 

“This is Charlie, and we’re back for Michael Novak’s wedding. She’s my plus one.” Jo’s expression changes. 

“Oh, are you two-”

At the exact same time, Charlie and I yell, “No!” and laugh for a moment before I say, “Charlie’s lesbian and her stupid ass girlfriend just dumped her so I’m taking her mind off of things.”

“Oh, okay. Who else knows you’re back?” Jo asks. 

“Just you. All the rest of them know Michael so they’ll probably be at the wedding tomorrow.”

Jo looks confused. Kind of sad confusion. Ellen rolls her eyes. 

“And Cas? He’s back too, clearly. So have you seen him while you’re here?” Jo asks. 

I swallow awkwardly. I hoped, I really hoped that Jo would not talk to me about Cas, but I should’ve known she would. Jo was onto everything. She’s all-knowing. 

“He knows I’m going to be at the wedding. He does not know I’m here yet but it’s not that crazy or surprising. He’s probably busy setting up for the wedding anyway.”

“Oh, excuses, excuses! When’s the last time you saw Cas? 2, 3 years ago?” 

A moment of silence passes. It felt longer than it actually was. But I knew how ridiculous it was. Even with what my asshole of a father did to separate us, I had Cas’s address down to memory but I never wrote. I had his number engraved in my mind but I never called. I was scared. And then so much time had passed, it felt off. And I waited 7 years for an email. 

“I emailed him a few weeks ago. That was the first time since I moved.”

“7 fucking years,” Jo said accusingly.

“Damn it, Dean. You know, I swear to god, all three of you Winchester’s, with the exception of Sam on occasion are unbelievably self-destructive. You and Cas were attached and the hip and I don’t know what happened between you two, but I do know that both are better than not talking for 7 years. I expect that you make things right with him. You guys were literally inseparable. It was adorable. You fix this, Dean. You hear me?” 

I nod. Charlie and I both stand still and quiet, scared to speak. Ellen’s lectures are scary. She could kick my ass if she wanted to. 

“You want a drink?” Jo finally asks. Her tone just sounded very “whatever” and “I’m done with this”. This is what I love about the Harvelle’s. Tough love. They keep me in line. They’re hard, but they’re hard because they love me. 

“Yeah, I’ll have a bud lite, Charlie’ll have a Shirley Temple.”

Jo snorts a laugh. “You don’t drink?”

Charlie smiles and bites her lip. “I’m only 19, not of age.” 

“Oh, okay, well that’s less funny. I mean, if you don’t drink go ahead, but hell, wrong choice. But I mean, hey, at least you’re responsible. I wasn’t. Got drunk for the first time at 14.”

Jo has a thing for Charlie already. She never talks this much. She talked this much in front of Sarah Blake in the 5th grade, her first crush. Same with Amara Shurley in 7th, Anna Milton in 10th, and then I moved. And now she’s doing the same thing with Charlie. 

“Jo? You’re rambling,” I nudge. She smiles and laughs breathily. Charlie is staring at her, smiling. Ok, 10 minutes and Charlie and Jo already have a thing for each other. 

“So, how have you been, Dean-o?” Jo asks after taking a shot. She hasn’t changed. At all. 

“Good enough. Decent. Got an internship. Doing pretty okay.”

“But you miss him. And it hurts like fucking hell and makes it so that you’re not actually great even though you should be. You miss him and it sucks and you feel stupid.”

Jo has always been blunt. She says what she thinks without even the slightest bit of hesitation or sugarcoating. She once told me that I couldn’t get any dates because I’m a jackass who prioritizes his car over his friends and that kind of put me back in line. 

“He misses you, you know. Cas, I mean. He lives in Hutchinson now, visited a little over a year ago. He misses you, Dean. You should see him before you go back to your motel.”

“I’ll see him tomorrow.” She rolls her eyes. “Oh, fuck off, Jo, you don’t get it.”

“No, Dean, you’re right, I don’t. But I do know that you two love each other in some way. You don’t just move on from a 13-year friendship.”

Charlie looks up. “13 years? You said you guys were friends for a while, but 13 years? God. What the hell happened?”

That’s a good question. What the hell happened? Because I know what happened, you know, the actual events. However, what I don’t know is what made it what it is. Because the Dean and Cas I grew up as and with would have found a way. They would’ve sent secret letters and called each other at phone booths. They would’ve figured it out. So why did I not call? Why did I not write? Because I was scared my dad would find out? Because it felt dangerous to disobey him? Or because I didn’t trust myself to keep it good so I just let it turn to ashes.

“I don’t know.”

I’m drunk. I’m not drunk drunk, but I’m tipsy. Ellen came back out from the back where she was cleaning dishes, and Charlie fell asleep in a booth next to Jo, who also looked like could fall asleep quickly. 

“You want me to call you a cab?” Ellen asks me. I nod slowly, rubbing my face with my hand. Ellen goes to do that and I replay memories in my head. 

Cas and I at the middle school dance, spinning each other around, laughing too much, and smiling too wide. 

Cas and I at Michael’s graduation party, reading stupid senior quotes from his yearbook and writing on it. The mischievous laughter. 

Cas and I meeting for the first time, desk mates in pre-k. I was so excited to have a deskmate. 

Cas being there for me when my mom died. Crying with me, holding my hand, being patient with me, everything I needed, Cas gave me. 

Cas. Just Cas in general. The way he smelled like flowers and honey. The way he sounded in the morning and at night when he was fighting to stay awake. The way he tilted his head when he was confused. The way he would smile very secretly when he was right. The way his nose turned pink and his eyes watered in the cold. The way he laughed when he was really laughing. Cas.

The cab arrives. I walk over to Charlie and Jo, and Jo smiles at me sleepily. “Come back before you leave. And bring this one, I like her.”

I nod and place a loose hand on Charlie’s shoulder. “Wake up, kiddo. Cab’s here,” I slur. Charlie squirms awake and waddles into the taxi, curling up to me and using me as a pillow.

We go to bed immediately. And then we wake up. And it’s the day of the wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of homophobia from father


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
CASTIEL

Gabriel and I have practiced the speech 13 times today alone. The eggshell white table cloths have been thrown over circular folding tables. The wooden chairs are set up around the tables and the wedding planner is putting little name plates by all the seating so everyone will know where to sit. The cake is beautiful, little candy lilies spread so cautiously around the layers. All the other food looks amazing too. Everything is perfect.

Guests will start arriving in about 15 minutes. I don’t know exactly what to do while I wait. This past week has been so busy, I’ve barely had a second of downtime. I decide to go read upstairs in the bay window in my old room until I see the first guest arrive. 

I, of course, get distracted. People begin to arrive and I don’t notice. I don’t notice until I hear a deep, familiar voice outside saying, “Hurry up, Charlie, we don’t got all day.”

I look out and see Dean. He’s wearing a suit and everything. He looks amazing. Older. I laugh to myself before pushing off the seat of my bay window and running down the stairs. My footsteps against the floor are loud but they don’t affect me in the slightest. Dean walks in as I hit the platform. I don’t stop, not even for a second, and before I know it we’re hugging. It’s tight and familiar. I’m not even nervous. I feel so safe. Dean has always been my home, I’m not surprised. The hug lasts a few moments too long, and the red-haired girl Dean has walked in with, presumably Charlie, clears her throat with a smile.

“Dean. It’s been…” I intend on saying it’s been too long, but I decide that feels too formal. Dean and I have never been into formalities. So instead I say, “I really, really missed you.”

He gives me that happy, wondrous, beautiful Dean Winchester smile. The smile that makes my breathing stop and my heart fall to my feet. The smile I’ve seen 1000 times before, yet still shakes me up every time I see it.

“I missed you,” Dean says quietly, still smiling. “So much.”

Dean’s company is smiling a lot. A weird amount of a lot, actually. I look over at her, and then back at Dean, who seems to have understood my message thoroughly.  
“Oh, uh, Cas, this is my friend and roommate Charlie. Charlie, this is Castiel Novak.”

Charlie. Roommate. Are they dating? Do they like each other?

“It’s great to meet you, Castiel. I’ve heard a lot about you.” She leans in closer to me for a second. “And if you know any single, not straight girls, please send them my way, I’m looking for a rebound.”

Not dating. Thank god. What I would do if when he was finally back, he was finally here, he brought someone else… I don’t know. 

“Jesus, Charlie, don’t sugarcoat it,” Dean grumbles quietly through a breathy chuckle. I wave him off, giving Charlie an understanding look. 

It feels so strange to be in a room with Dean again in the sense that it doesn’t feel strange at all. I feel like no time has passed. Everything is the same. Dean and I are best friends. I think Dean will always be my best friend. Of course, I won’t say this out loud, at least not yet. 

“I don’t really know a lot of people here, but if you’ve met Jo Harvelle-”

Dean cuts me off. “Oh, they’ve met, alright. Charlie, I thought you liked Jo, why are you trying to get more people?”

Charlie’s mouth falls open sarcastically. “Well, yeah, but I actually like Jo and I don’t just want her to be just a rebound.”

Dean and I both roll our eyes and speak at the exact same time. “Then don’t let her be just a rebound.”

We were always pretty in sync. I guess that’s what becomes of two people who have been so close for so long. They have similar thought processes. In fairness, this was a simple solution to Charlie’s problem. I don’t know Charlie all that well, but I can see them together. 

“I know. It’s really that simple. I just don’t trust myself,” Charlie admitted, shaking her head. There was a moment of silence, filled with sorrow for Charlie’s love life, and then I heard Dean’s voice beginning to speak again, sending chills down my spine. 

“Anyway, we should probably head to the back now and take our seats. Cas, find me later so we can catch up, okay?” I nodded and smiled as I watched Dean and Charlie walk to the backyard where everything was set up. They sat next to each other at the table next to mine. My seat was actually pretty close to mine. That’s good.

I go to check on Michael. He’s doing great. He looks great in his suit. He’s very grown-up. Wow, my brother, getting married. It feels so strange, seeing him become a real man. He’s 29 already. He’s getting married and he has a good job and a nice apartment and soon he’ll have kids and everything he’s ever wanted. I’m so happy to see him like this. I’m so happy to see Dean. I’m so happy.

And then Hael, Chuck, and Hester arrive.

“Castiel!” Hester greets me, fake enthusiasm in her voice. “It’s… You know, seeing you.” God, they can’t even form a white lie for convenience's sake. 

“And you, Hester. Hael, Chuck. You all look well. The ceremony is in the backyard. You can make your way out there and find your seats.”

Chuck and Hester walk out but Hael stays standing in front of me. She is not smiling. Her glance is firm and angry. Even a little scary. I give her a confused face as I look for why she is so angry looking at the moment. And then she inhales in a way that makes it seem as though she will start speaking but doesn’t.

“Is there something the matter, Hael?” I ask carefully. Her gaze becomes even sharper as if her eyes are holding me still and if they lighten up I will get away. But I could very easily leave. I am just being chivalrous.

“Dean Winchester is here,” she says finally. I turn my head over my shoulder to see Dean laughing with Charlie and Hannah’s friend Rachel and I smile a bit before turning back to Hael.

“He is.”

“Why?”

“He was invited.”

“By whom?”

“Um, by Michael?”

“Why would Michael invite him?”

“Because he has known Dean since he was 10 years old and wanted him at his wedding. Is there a problem with that? Has Dean harmed you in any way ever? Is there any reason he should not be here?” I snapped at her. I know that. But I don’t care.

“Yes. There is a very good reason he should not be here and you know exactly what that reason is. You know exactly why he should not have been invited. This is like pushing a bleeding human in front of a shark. It’s dangerous and it’s tempting and it’s too easy for something to go horribly wrong. He shouldn’t be here. Not if you’re here too. I don’t want him here in the first place, he infected you. But it’s even worse that you’re both here and I know it.”

My blood is boiling. She’s comparing us to animals. She’s acting as if I can’t control myself over anything, that I’m some dangerous creature that can’t remain composed. I can’t stand her.

“Hael, this is Michael’s wedding. If you cannot remain civil, you can leave. Dean and Michael have known each other for 19 years. You have to expect him. He is a human being. A kind, innocent, real, normal human being, and I ask, no, I beg that you please for Michael and my sanity’s sake are kind and civil and you mind your own business. Please Hael. We’re not even… I won’t do anything. Dean won’t do anything. So please don’t do anything.”

She has no expression. Normally, I would describe the look on her face in vivid detail, trying to read her thoughts. But there is nothing to read. She is blank. 

“Fine. I’ll see you outside, Castiel.” She begins to walk away. “If I see you or that… parasite doing anything, I will tell him off, you and Michael. Don’t tempt me.” She walks away, and I break. 

“By the way, Hael, you’re a terrible writer. I’m not buying your fucking book.”

She spits out an “ugh” noise and finally walks away. I can’t stand her. I don’t know how I can get through today. If I even talk to Dean, Hael is going to snap. I need to warn Dean. And Michael. 

I stand in the doorway to the backyard, scoping for Dean. I find him quickly and I catch his bright, green eyes and wave him over. He gives me a “what?” kind of look and I start gesturing more aggressively and he comes over.   
“You okay? You look… what?” He asks, concerned. It warms my heart a little bit. 

“Hael is here.”

Dean’s face goes from “who is that?” to “oh her.” to “oh you’ve gotta be kidding me”.

“Yeah, I know. And she’s… well, she’s being her. And she’s blackmailing me so basically we can have zero social interaction or she’s gonna ruin this entire thing. Obviously, that’s moronic and it’s been 7 years so I’m not just going to ignore you all day so I figured it was better if you know in advance. Worst she can do is snap at you and be really verbally awful and there’s a great solution to that: just walking away from her, which no one does so it’ll probably stun her into silence-“

“Cas, Cas, Cas. Calm down. You’re talking a mile a minute. Deep breaths. Listen, I can take her. Let’s just have fun. As you said, it’s been 7 years so let’s just enjoy it.”

At some point, while he was talking, Dean placed his hand on my arm. It provided me with so much comfort and sent warm waves down my spine. That hand has beheld mine. That hand ruffled my hair. That hand hung next to mine which provided a steady reminder that I had someone in my life whose hand I could hold if I wanted to. Back to the conversation. I nodded. 

“Right. Yes. I’ll be out in a minute, I’m just going to talk to Michael. Check-in one more time before the ceremony starts.”

“Okay. See you out there, Cas.”

My mouth curled upward into a smile and I felt Dean slide his hand off my arm and watched as he made his way outside. 

He has changed. Not bad changing. He seems more mature. I don’t know how I feel about that. Part of me likes it, seeing Dean all grown up and mature. But I loved past Dean. In fairness, he doesn’t seem that different. Just older. And I didn’t get to see it happen gradually like I wanted to. 

“Michael? Can I speak with you a moment?” I ask, stepping into Michael’s old bedroom. He turns, a wide smile on his face. 

“Cassie! Yes, anything, go ahead.” 

“So, Hael is here and she’s...unhappy at Dean’s presence. She’s blackmailing me. Saying that if she sees even the slightest thing, she’ll make the rest of the day a living hell for Dean, me, and you. I just wanted to warn you.”

Michael’s face is pitiful. So many pitiful looks lately. 

“Okay. Thank you for telling me. The ceremony is about to start, is everyone here?”

“Yes, both Winchester brothers and their plus-ones, all the cousins, Hannah’s family, yup. They’re all accounted for.”

“Great, then I guess it’s time to start. God, I’m nervous. I don’t deserve her.”

“Michael, if anyone deserves this, it’s you. Now go get her.”

Michael smiles at me again. Michael has changed a lot since I was born, but that smile has been constant. He never changed his smile. It’s always been bright and proud. 

I couldn’t be happier for him. I mean it. He deserves it.

I take my seat on the beautiful, cushioned wooden chair that has been labeled mine. I sip my champagne as Michael makes his way to the altar. Usually, bridesmaids and groomsmen would stand up there with him, but there’s not enough room. Gabriel presses play on the music iPod they are using and “Here Comes The Bride” begins. Hannah appears in the doorway to the backyard and everyone focuses their attention on her. She looks amazing. Her dress is beautiful and her makeup is great. She looks amazing.

In front of her, my young cousin Lilith throws little flower petals on the aisle. Lilith is a beautiful child, about 7. She is wearing a very cute blue dress with little daisies on it. Her hair is in high pigtails.

Michael cries as he watches her make her way slowly down the aisle. This rendition of Here Comes The Bride is a modern violin piece. It is beautiful. This feels like something out of a movie. 

Hannah’s dad is walking arm in arm with her. He is also crying. He looks so proud. It’s beautiful how a person can feel so astoundingly proud of someone and it can be so clear. His face is bright. It is real. He loves his daughter and he is proud of her.

I see my parents across the table from me. I haven’t noticed them much today, I’ve been so busy. My mother is sobbing. She was the first person Michael told about the engagement. She has always been loving and caring and involved. My father is also crying. Not a lot, but he is. I love my parents.

I am crying as well. I look to my left and notice that Dean is crying. Dean is crying at a wedding. Well, maybe he’s changed more than I thought.

Sam isn’t crying, but his girlfriend Jessica is. Sam told me earlier that she is very emotional when it comes to romance.

Charlie is smiling contently. She seems awesome. I’m excited to spend some time with her today.

The wedding officiator begins. “We gather here today to celebrate the love and uniting of Hannah Caroline Johnson and Michael Adam Novak.” 

The ceremony is quick. I cry more than I expected at the vows.

“Hannah. I wrote these vows the day after I proposed. Well, I started them then, at least. I was so thrilled and I felt so much that I had to get it down. Hannah, I love you with everything I am, everything I’ve ever been, and everything I ever will be. It is rare to fall so deeply in love with someone, so in love that no one else even exists to you, none of your regrets or your problems matter because as long as this person is there with you it’s okay. But I was so lucky to find that in you. You are my reason for waking up. Your beautiful face and your even more beautiful soul. I fall in love with you over and over every single day and that will never stop. You are my soulmate and I am so grateful and happy to have you. I don’t deserve you, yet for some reason, I get to have you. I am overwhelmed with love for you. You, Hannah, are the one thing that keeps me going. I love you with every fiber in my being and I cannot wait to start a family with you and be yours for the rest of my life. I love you.” 

Hannah and Michael both have drenched their faces in tears. Their eyes are full and shiny and shockingly loving. They are holding each other without even actually holding each other. Adoration is radiating off of them and Hannah begins her vows.

“The dictionary defines love as an intense feeling of deep affection. While, yes, this is a good, technical and general definition of love, it does not even begin to cover what love is. Defining love is difficult because I personally believe that there are no words to explain what love is. Everything I feel is new and unlabeled and inexplicably beautiful. But I will try my best. Love is like ice water when it’s 100 degrees. It feels so amazing and refreshing and keeps you going. Love is like breathing. Love is the one thing that can keep a person stable. To love someone, you see them in a way you see no one else. You need them with you. They keep you alive and you would do anything for them. You dream of their face and you think about them all the time. Love is beautiful. Love is picky. But it chose me. Michael, I never thought I could find someone as perfect for me as you. You are my missing puzzle piece. I love you so much.”

How could she be so correct about love? I feel all she said and more with love. The world is united by love and the way we feel when love exists with us. Love carries people on its back. Love.

The rest of the ceremony is beautiful, and then my brother is married. 

“Ok everyone, let’s start the reception!” Michael yells almost immediately after the ceremony. Everyone begins making their way to the tent where the dance floor is and the music starts and there is dancing and some people sit and eat and some people go talk to Michael and Hannah who look like they couldn’t be happier.

Everything is crowded. I feel somewhat claustrophobic. Everywhere I turn, there is a person. The only “friends” I have here are Dean and Gabriel. I feel somewhat awkward going to Dean as if we’re still friends who hang out regularly. And Gabriel is my brother. We have to make our speech at 5. It’s 2:30 right now. I go up to my old room.

I flop backward on the bed and the cotton comforter engulfs me in a moment. I curl up with my pillows and pick up a book. Apparently, the last time I was here, I was reading Little Women and never put it back on the shelf. I start on the page that was marked.

I don’t read for long before there is a person standing in my doorway. “Dean?”

“You know, I should’ve guessed earlier that you’d sneak up here to read at some point. How very Castiel of you.” I roll my eyes and scoff.

“Yes, I suppose. Do you need something?” I ask, smiling at him. 

“No, I just saw you walk up here and you looked kind of panicked. You looked like you could pass out, honestly, so I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

My heart flies. Still caring. That’s good. I’m happy about that.

“Oh. Yeah, I’m okay. I was just kind of claustrophobic. I don’t do well in-”

“Large gatherings. I remember.” 

For a moment, a brief moment, we look into each other’s eyes in silence. I see him. He’s not doing well. He looks so worn out. I hate seeing him like this. I have always been able to see what is under the surface with Dean. 

“How are you, Dean?” I ask him, closing my book slowly. He laughs and smiles.

“I’m fine.”

I press my lips together sadly and look down. “Are you? Are you fine? You don’t… I don’t know, you seem… not fine. I remember the look in your eyes when you're not fine and you’re worn out.”

He shifts his green eyes to my hardwood floor, swaying his foot back and forth. “There’s just a lot going on. You know, new internship, new roommate, coming back here, I’m just a little tense. But I’m… Shit, Cas. I can’t keep anything from you, can I?”

I laugh breathily and gesture for him to sit next to me. “No. Not really. I’ve known you a long time, Dean. And I know you well. There are not many lies you could tell me that I would believe.”

“Are there any?” He asks longingly, a new look on his face that looked like sad curiosity. It breaks my heart a little bit, seeing him like this.

“A few, probably. You’ve changed. You know that?” The sadness on his face melts a bit and mainly confusion remains. “The Dean Winchester I grew up with would never cry at a wedding. God, I can’t believe you cried at a wedding.”

“Shut up. It was very emotional.” I nod, still laughing a little.

“Yes. It was. But yes, I think you have changed.” There is silence again. “I’m really happy to see you, Dean.”

“I’m happy to see you, too. I missed you so much. I’m so sorry that I just left for 7 years and said nothing. It was… I should’ve tried harder when I left at first, and even if I didn’t I should’ve reached out when I left my dad’s place. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. I understand.”

“It’s not okay. I hate myself for it. Our friendship, our… relationship… it was the best thing in my life and I ruined it. I fucked it up. I’m so sorry I didn’t try harder. I gave up on you and I gave up on myself. I’m so sorry.” 

I understand the sorrow in Dean’s face now. It is regret. It is guilt. It is his anger at himself for giving up on me. I hate that he feels this. He doesn’t ever forgive himself and I hate it. I hate that I am a reason for his pain. The last thing I want is to cause his pain.

“You didn’t ruin anything. Look at us now. We’re sitting here, in my room, just like we used to. We’re still friends. We’re not ruined. We’re older. We are grown. And yes, where it is sad that we didn’t get to experience that together like we thought we would, nothing is ruined. Please don’t beat yourself up over this; I hold nothing against you. Dean, you are always going to be the best thing in my life. You know me better than anyone. This will never change. You are a part of me. You have been there for every notable moment of my life. Well, up until 7 years ago at least, and not very many notable things have happened since then other than graduations and acceptances. I hate that you’re still mad at yourself over this. Look at me.” He turns his head. His eyes are watery. “It wasn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong.”

A tear slowly streams down his cheek and he nods. I feel his finger intertwine with mine and my heart stops for a moment. He tilts his head back with his eyes closed and very quietly, I hear, “Thank you.” I find myself pulling him into another hug. 

And the hug breaks. And we are staring into each other's eyes. And one of us starts to lean in.

What does this mean?

“Castiel?” I hear Hael yell in the hallway. Damn it. So close.

“Shit! Um… get in the closet. Go!” I whisper yell to Dean who goes quickly without question.

Hael enters with an irritated glance like she just smelled rotten milk. “What are you doing up here?” She asks.

“Not that it’s any of your concern, but I’m reading. I was claustrophobic, I needed a few minutes. Am I allowed to do that? I mean, I know I’m not allowed to socialize with who I’d like on your accord, but am I allowed to sit in my childhood room and read my book by myself? I’d love to know if there's a punishment for that too.”

“I was just making sure you weren’t with Dean. I can’t find him.”

I roll my eyes. “God, as if socializing or being in the same room as him is so awful. And no, he’s not here. And why are you looking for him? You don’t need to see him. Please leave.” 

She rolls her eyes and walks out of the room holding up her middle finger. I literally cannot stand her. 

I walk over to the door and close it, locking it. Dean peaks out of the closet smiling, shocked. An expression I recognize. It’s not the most common thing in the world, it is difficult to shock Dean. But I don’t usually snap at people as I did at Hael. 

“Shit, Cas! I didn’t know you could be so… that was badass. You really told her. Go you.”

My eyes roll in my head and my legs shift as I get back onto my bed. Dean makes his way back over as well and I take a moment to observe him as he does so. He is still very beautiful. That could never change. I don’t know how it could, Dean being who he is. 

His company feels so distinct. There is a way I feel when I’m with Dean I do not feel with any other. Him sitting next to me feels like dancing in the rain, like watching an especially beautiful sunset, like being resuscitated. I have never felt so strongly for another person except for Dean.

“Yeah, well, when I particularly can’t stand someone or think they are massively stupid… well, I have no tolerance for that. And maybe it is unhealthy to have such a strong distaste for someone I’m related to but I really can’t stand her.”

Dean nods understandingly. “I understand why you would, after what she did and everything. I don’t think it’s unhealthy. What she did really fucking sucked, Cas.” Now I nod. I didn’t think he’d bring this up. He’s talked more about everything than I thought he would. And all his words come out so honestly and they roll off his tongue in such a graceful way. It makes me nervous.

At some points with Dean, it feels crazy. Like, oh my god I’m with Dean right now, but sometimes it feels exactly like it did when we were teenagers. Right now, it feels like a mix of both. It’s a bit stressful, slightly overwhelming, because I don’t know how to act. Do I act as young as I would with Dean before or not? I don’t know. It is odd.  
“She’s just...Do you know that she called me and asked me to buy and advertise her book? As if I should do anything for her. She tried to make small talk. But when she got to the point I almost smashed my phone. I mean, the nerve she has to ask me for anything. I owe her nothing, I’m not helping her with her book at all. It’s basically just a rip-off of Harry Potter only with magic dogs instead of magic children.”

“That sounds like actual shit, who’d want to read that? Yikes.”

I feel myself laugh genuinely. Feeling the jumping of my chest and my face hurting from smiling so much has felt so far away like I was reaching but I couldn’t even skim it. Now, however, it feels as though it is being pushed into me and I could not stop being happy as hard as I tried. 

The feeling gives me deja vu. It’s like I’ve felt it before. I recognize it, but so distantly that it takes a moment to label it. And then I got it.

Contentment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of homophobia from family


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4  
DEAN

This feels surreal. I am sitting next to Castiel Novak, who I haven’t seen in 7 years, on his childhood bed in his childhood room in his childhood house. What the fuck? How is this actually happening? We’re here and we’re laughing and we’re talking and we’re just enjoying each other's company. It feels hella weird.

And then we realize we've been up in his room for 2 hours and he had to make his speech soon, so we start going downstairs. I’d walk back out first.

“I kinda want to get it just to see how bad it is,” I comment about Hael’s book as Cas and I make our way back downstairs. He scoffs sarcastically. 

“Sure, but make sure that you steal it so she doesn’t get any money. .”

“Noted. Good Idea, Cas. Thanks,” I mutter sarcastically, smiling. We had made it to the door of the backyard. 

“See you out there. Good luck,” Cas smiles out. I give him a pat on the shoulder before slowly stepping out into the backyard. Everything is crowded. I didn’t notice it, but now that it’s been mentioned, I see it. I kind of hate it. I usually like big gatherings, but I know more than half these people and like about 14/52 of them. Cas, Charlie, Sam, Jess, Gabriel, Michael, Benny, Isaac, Tamara, Meg, Bela, Rowena (high school friends who haven’t noticed me yet), Jimmy, and Amelia. The rest of them I either don’t like or don’t know. 

Cas waits exactly 74 seconds, like we planned, before walking outside as well. I wink at him from across the yard at which he smiles and laughs. And then completely out of the blue, I feel a tap on my shoulder.

“Where have you been?” Hael. Blegh. 

“Um, out here, why?” I lie. She rolls her eyes.

“No, you weren’t. Don’t lie to me, you know what I am capable of.”

“You wanna call my dad again? We’re not children, Hael, I live in my own house. There’s nothing you can do that’ll hurt me. Plus, I’m not lying. You must’ve just not seen me. I’m gonna go now.”

Cas walked over and grabbed my arm as I started to walk away and he turned Hael back around also. 

“Hael. I’m done with your little blackmail game. We’re going to hang out here. Enjoy each other's company. I’d love to see you stop us. Enjoy the rest of the wedding.” And then Cas was pulling me away from her to his table. 

“Nicely done. Concise,” I joked. Cas laughed anxiously, fiddling with his thumbs. “You good?”

Cas shifted his eyes back on me and nodded without saying anything. His face was flushed and his leg was shaking. I shook my head at him.

“Okay, so, you’re obviously not, what’s going on Cas? Talk to me.” I place my hand on his wrist to stop it from shaking and he inhales sharply before looking around for a moment.

“I’m just… My relatives are psychotic. I hate needing to see them, especially Hael because when I do see them, I hate myself. No matter how much I know there is nothing wrong with me whenever I’m with them I feel disgusting. The way they look at me, the way they talk to me… I feel filthy. Like a virus. I can barely stand to look at myself in a mirror if they are around. It’s awful. I hate myself when they are here.” 

I look at Cas with real concern in my eyes and move my hand from his wrist to hold his hand. He looks down and watches as our fingers intertwine.

“You are not what your family thinks or says you are. They are the disgusting ones. Closed-minded, disgusting, prejudiced people. You are an amazing, wonderful person, Cas. Okay? Let’s go enjoy ourselves. Don’t let them get to you, you’re smarter than that.”

I stand up, still holding his hand, and before I can stop myself, I find myself speaking again.

“May I have this dance?” I ask formally, and as if on cue, a slow song begins to play. Cas laughs and nods, standing up. We walk over to the dance floor and when we land on it, I put one arm around his waist lightly and hold out our hands. Cas places his free hand around my neck. And then we are swaying back and forth and giggling like little kids and spinning each other around. 

“So, tell me about this internship,” Cas says as we sway. 

“Shit, Cas, it’s amazing. It’s perfect. Like, I’m not just the kind of intern that goes and buys coffee, I actually do stuff like assist on designs and work on designs that people quit on or got promoted for. I do buy coffee sometimes, but coffee and filing and things are more the college intern jobs so if that’s what you’re interested in, I’d ask Charlie.” Cas laughs.

“Where does she go?” He asks curiously.

“Ottawa.” Cas smiles, surprised.

“That’s an amazing school! And really hard to get into, if I remember. God, their application process was brutal.”

“You applied there?” I ask. It’s becoming clearer, the more I talk to Cas, how much I missed.

“Yeah, but I went to NYU. And then I got homesick. Or, Kansas-sick, I believe would be a better term. And then I started the Hutchinson Paper, I do it by myself, and I love it, so. But, continue with the internship.”

“Well, uh, there really isn’t much more to it. I go in, they give me an agenda with my day on it, I do it, and then I go home. I really love it, but really, it’s not all that interesting.” 

“I’m glad you’ve found something you love to do. I’m really proud of you.”

I drop Cas’s hand and rest my arm on his shoulder, moving in closer. He props his arm onto my waist and we don’t talk again for a while. We just sway to the music together. And then we’re interrupted.

“No way. Dean?!” Meg Masters. Finally, one of them noticed me. And by one of them noticing me, they all noticed me.

“Oh my god, Winchester!”

“Dean! No way!”

“Stop it! It’s been forever!”  
Suddenly, Cas and I are separated and Meg is hanging on my arm talking a mile a minute and I am not paying attention at all, only looking for Cas. It was nice to see everyone, but these people are not my people. We were high school friends, but they were always richer than me, had more things than me, they’d make fun of Jo and I for having less and play it off like nothing. It would drive Cas insane, talk about how gross capitalism is and how he hated hearing them talk to us like that. Jo and I had gotten pretty used to it. Us three were always the closest. Rowena and Meg were really close and I think they hooked up a few times, but Meg would hook up with anyone and anywhere. She and Cas even kissed once before he was out. And Tamara and Isaac dated in high school, I don’t know if they're still together.

“So, Dean. You and Clarence looked like you were having a nice time. Anything there?” Meg asks me, a mischievous smile on her face. I look at her awkwardly and she rolls her eyes. “What, do you think I’m blind or something? You were slow dancing all over each other. And the way you were looking at each other? Please. I mean, hell, after everything that happened, I’d be surprised if there wasn’t something there anymore.”

Cas used to say something about first loves and how you never really stop loving your first love, they’ll always hold a special place in your heart even after you’ve moved on. I just haven’t moved on yet. Even after 7 years.

“Meg, you know that this is my first time seeing Cas in 7 years? Since I left?” I ask. Her eyes snap to me as if I just told her I killed 30 people.

“You’re fucking with me. You two? No way. I believe that it’s been a while but I refuse to believe it’s been more than 3 years.”

“Well, believe it.”

She shakes her head in disappointment. “Well, shit. You seemed pretty comfy for people who haven’t seen each other in 7 years.”

“Yeah, well, we never had a, like, falling out or anything. I just moved and said nothing. Radio silence. And then I came back and we hugged like 13-year-old internet friends meeting for the first time-”

“You fall on the floor and everything?”

“Well, maybe I’m exaggerating, but anyway. Then we talked and hung out for basically this entire time, catching up and stuff, and damn, let me tell you, it feels like I’m a kid again. It feels like no time has passed. Like we’re still best friends and we’re 16 and then I remember that I’m 23 and I’m leaving in 1 day so then I have the ‘this person still feels like me best friend’ and the ‘you have 1 day to make up for lost time’ stuff ringing in my head, so, yeah, I don’t know, Meg. I mean, we’re Dean and Cas. What else would you expect? I think I always knew we’d find our way back to each other at some point.”

Meg sips her champagne and giggles. “I don’t think ‘still friends’ is exactly the right term here, Deano.” I look at her with confusion. “If you told me you weren’t in love with him, no way in hell I’d believe you. Like I told you, I’d be more surprised if there wasn’t something there than if there was. Well, I think speeches are starting, so I’m going to go sit. And after that is cake, by the way!”

I walk over to my table and sit down in between Charlie and Sam who are talking about their exams and things in school. Jess is talking to Hannah’s cousin Bela who is also sitting at our table. I let Charlie swap seats with me so she and Sam can keep talking until speeches start. I sit quietly.

“Hi, everyone! My name is Gabriel, and this is my twin bro, Castiel. We are Michael’s brothers and we are collectively his best man, and together we wrote this wonderful, amazing-”

“Kind of stupid,” Cas chimes in.

“Yes, kind of stupid speech for him. So let’s start.”

Cas pulls out a paper and begins reading it. “When Michael was 14, he got a girlfriend. His very first girlfriend. And he was excited. He would not stop talking about it. And then they broke up a week later because Michael didn’t think she was the one.”

“Wow, really? You’d think your first girlfriend that you met at 14 would be your soulmate but I guess not. And then he didn’t date again until he was 17, which lasted a little longer than a week. Not a lot, you know, just add 3 weeks and you have the month that they dated for because she also wasn’t the one.”

“But then he met Hannah. And Hannah, let me tell you, he knew you were the one from the minute he laid eyes on you. He met you and he called me and said, ‘Castiel, I met the woman I want to marry.’ I was unconvinced at first. And then you guys started dating, and then I met you. And I knew he was right.”

“I, being the idiot that I am, believed him immediately when he called me. He was like, ‘Gabe, I met this super cool chick and she’s so dope we’re getting married dude’” The crowd laughs. “What is that not what you said? Oh, sorry, you know my memory. But I guess I wasn’t a stupid idiot after all, because you guys are soulmates.”

“Basically, Hannah, what we want to say is welcome to the family,” Cas says happily.

“And good luck with this one. If you get sick of him, just send him back,” Gabriel finishes jokingly. Everyone applauds and laughs and then Hannah’s sister Rachel gets on stage and makes her speech which is more emotional than funny and then when that’s done, they cut the cake and everyone goes and gets their slice.

Cas sits next to me at my table while Bela is over on the dance floor with Hannah and Rachel. The cake is delicious. It’s chocolate with vanilla icing. This had to be Michael’s choice. It’s been his favorite combination for as long as I’ve known him.

“Shit, this is good cake,” I say before taking another forkful. Cas hums in agreement while chewing. 

“So, how long are you staying? I’m leaving Thursday so I can spend time with my parents,” Cas asks after he finishes eating.

“Oh… I’m… I’m leaving tomorrow around 5. We have to be back Monday for work, so we have to go tomorrow.”

The happy look Cas had on his face is gone. He looks sadly surprised. “Oh.” He doesn’t speak for another second. “That’s…not long.”

“No. It’s not.”

He smiles. “Then I guess we have to fit a lot into a short period of time.”

Classic Cas.

“Yeah. I guess we do.”

The thing with time and Cas is that everything just feels so relative. There’s before Cas, with Cas, and after Cas. But now it’s this mix of after and with and it’s splotchy and temporary and short and I need to make the most of it or none of it will have been worth it.

Wow. I had no idea I could lie to myself that heavily. A singular minute with Cas would’ve been worth it. A second of him flashing those god damn blue eyes at me and everything would’ve been worth the wait. Honestly.

But what if I ruin it even more. It’s already a little different. I don’t want to super ruin it. Dean Winchester style.

But we have less than 24 hours. I can do this. I got this.

Right?

Right.

“Wanna get a cup of coffee tomorrow?” I ask nervously. He doesn’t seem at all surprised or shaken by this question. He looks so unsurprised that I’m surprised. Was he expecting it? I wasn’t that obvious, was I?

“Sure. Donatello’s at 11?” He suggests, smiling. I need to remind myself that this is just a friendly thing. Nothing romantic. 

“Sounds like a plan,” I say. Not romantic. Not romantic. Not a date. Not romantic. Not a date. 

“Good. It’s a date.”

Thank god. I don’t know how tomorrow would have gone if it was just a friend thing. No way I would’ve gotten through it. 

“Great.”

The rest of the wedding flies by. The older people start leaving first, then families with little kids, except Lilith’s family, they stay, which I didn’t notice until she ran up to me and started talking to me.

“Who are you?” I heard a high voice as from under me. I looked down and saw the blonde flower girl from before.

“My name is Dean Winchester. I’m a friend of Michael. What’s your name?”  
“Lilith. I’m their kid,” she said, pointing to Cas’s cousin Inais and his wife Muriel. I think Inais is the only cousin Cas actually kind of likes. 

“Cool. How old are you Lilith?” 

“I’m 6. I’m a big kid.” I chuckle and nod.

“Yes, you are.”

“How did you meet Michael?” She asks curiously.

“Well, Castiel and I have been friends since before I was your age. We met in preschool. And I met Michael because I was friends with Cas. But this is actually my first time talking to or seeing Cas in a really long time because I moved away. So it’s nice to see everyone.”

“Why did you move?”

My heart drops to my feet. My stomach flips. I feel a lump in my throat.

“That’s a very long, confusing story, kid. Not ready to be told yet.” My voice wavers as I speak.

She nods understandingly. It’s so crazy to me how little kids can just approach an adult and start talking and end up asking the deepest, most painful questions without even knowing it. 

“But, it’s just like old times. So it’s okay.”

“That’s good. I don’t know what I would do if I lost my best friend. I think I’d cry every day. And be sad all the time.”

Me too, Lilith. The lump in my throat grows heavier. It’s stupid. Everything is good now. Better than good. We have a date tomorrow. But everything that happened… all that lost time… I don’t know when that will stop being so painful.

“Are you crying?” She asks, looking up with me with the same confused face that Cas makes.

“Oh, um, no. Just allergies.”

“In November?”

“Yes. In November.”

How the hell does this six year old know that you don’t normally get allergies in November?

“Well, I’m going to the dance floor again. By Bean!”

I laugh. “It’s Dean.” She’s already too far to hear me.

It’s 11. I’m exhausted. Charlie already drove back to the motel. I told her I’d walk. It’ll be nice to walk through the town again.

“Hey, Cas. I’m gonna go,” I say through a yawn. Cas is sitting at a table by himself.

“Oh. Okay. I’ll walk you out.”

At the door, we stand across from each other.

“Okay, well, I will see you tomorrow for coffee at Donatello’s. 11, right?” I ask.

“Yes. 11. See you then.”

There’s a pause. We stand quietly before Cas hugs me again. He’s warm and familiar and everytime we touch whether it’s a hug or we’re dancing or we’re holding hands or whatever it is, my heart skips a few beats. I feel so happy.

“I’m really glad you were here today.”

“Me too.”

Cas pulls away and smiles at me. His smile is like a mark in my brain that if there were a million people smiling in one room I’d find him in a second. 

I begin to walk out before Cas notices Charlie’s absence.

“Wait. Where is Charlie?” He asks.

“Oh, she took the car back around an hour ago. She got tired.”

“You don’t have a car?”

“No, I’m walking.”

“I can give you a ride.”

“No, Cas, don’t leave your own brother’s wedding. It’s only a 20 minute walk, it’s fine.”

“Yeah, and a 5 minute drive. Come on, I insist.”

I feel my face upturn into a smile.

“Fine. God, I hope you know how stubborn you are.”

He really is so stubborn. But never in a selfish way. He’s always been very adamant that other people are safe, that they get what they deserve. Another example of how he always puts others before himself. He won’t let anything go wrong for anyone no matter how much of a disadvantage it gives him. 

“I have the general idea, yes.” This makes me laugh. Cas is an expert on making me laugh, I’ll tell you that.

Cas is an expert on pretty much everything about me. He said it himself, there aren’t many lies I could tell him that he’d believe. And I bet I know what the lies he would believe are. He’d believe me if I said I felt nothing for him anymore. If it was just friendship. Or less than that. He’d believe me if I told him I didn’t want to hear from him again. He’d believe me if I told him I didn’t want to see him again. He’d believe insults. He’d believe me if I said those things and he’d leave me be because he always puts people above himself.

“You’re quiet and that worries me. You’re never quiet,” Cas said, not taking his stupid blue eyes off the road.

“Oh. I’m just thinking.”

“About what?” 

“Nothing in particular. Just random stuff.” Yeah, I walked right into that one. 

“That’s a lie.”

I laugh again with a sigh. Christ, when it comes to Castiel Novak, I don’t know why I’d even try.

“Yeah. It’s nothing though. Nothing relevant.”

“You’re still lying.”

“Just keep driving, Cas. I promise it’s nothing crazy.”

He rolls his eyes. 

“What?” I ask through a laugh.

“If it’s really that unimportant why won’t you tell me?”

“Jesus, so nosy. Something can be unimportant but still be private. But fine if you care so much, I was thinking about what you said before, how there aren’t many lies I could tell you that you’d believe. I’m trying to think if there are even any.”

“You have anything yet?”

“Yeah. And those will stay private.”

“Why? In case you ever need to use them?” I can’t tell if he’s being funny or serious. 

“Well, no, but… look, it’s hard to explain. Okay? Just trust me on that?”

He just nods. It’s not dismissive or angry, it’s just a “Ok.” nod. He trusts me. I don’t know why he trusts me. I don’t know why he hugged me like that when he saw me. Or before we left. I don’t know why he was like that with me when we were in his room. I don’t know why he spent almost the entire wedding with me. I don’t know why he wants to spend time with me tomorrow. I don’t know why he offered me a ride. I don’t know why he’s not pissed at me. I don’t know why he’s still so amazing. He’s a saint. He’s an angel.

I came today expecting him to not speak to me. Expecting that he would avoid me. That I’d have an awful time and it’d be awkward and I’d leave at 8. But no.

“Alright, well, thank you for the ride. I appreciate it.”

“Of course. So, 11 tomorrow?” Cas confirms. I smile and nod, which is all I can manage because this is the first time he’s looked at me in the eye this car ride and it’s dark but I can still see how blue they are and he looks so pretty in the moonlight and at the wedding there were a lot of lights but now it’s all stars and moonlight. There aren’t even streetlights on this road.

“Okay, see you then.”

I need to force my eyes away from Cas’s. I feel heavy as I get out of the car. I hear him drive away.

I should’ve kissed him.

Why the fuck did I not kiss him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of homophobia and money issues


	5. Chapter 5/Flashback!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our first flashbacks!! Two memories in this one.

Chapter 5  
CASTIEL

September 8, 2001

Dean is 4, Cas is almost 5 (10 days!)

“I don’t wanna go, Mommy! I don’t know anybody! What if they don’t like me!” I cry out as mommy picks clothes from my closet. Today is my first day of preschool. I do not want to go. I have no friends! I missed to orentashun because I had a doctors appointment.

“It’s okay, Cassie! Don’t worry, I’m sure everyone is really nice and you’ll make lots of friends,” Mommy tells me. I shake my head. 

“But everyone already knows each other from orentashun! I don’t know anyone!”

“Orientation? Baby, you don’t make friends at orientation, you just see your classroom and learn the curriculum.”

I don’t know that word. “What’s a cirklum?”

Mommy laughs. I don’t know why.

“Curriculum is what you’ll learn that year and things like that. Like this year, you’ll learn letters, and numbers 1-20. You’ll learn about butterflies, you’ll learn about our country and our state. Some more things too. But you don’t make friends there, there’s no time. Honestly, Castiel, I think you would’ve thought it very boring.”

That makes me feel better. I didn’t miss anything too big. Gabriel said it was boring but everything is boring to Gabe so I didn’t believe him. But even Mommy says it was boring. Wow. Gabe must have thought it was really boring.

“What if I can’t make any friends?” I asked Mommy. She looked down at me smiling. 

“With those blue eyes and that smart brain? You’ll definitely make friends.”   
I wear a blue shirt and white pants with a coat Daddy called a trenchcoat. I put on my backpack and get in the car. 

It’s a super short car ride. Only 2 minutes, Mommy says. Gabriel keeps complaining about how we are in different classes. He’s in the afternoon class and I’m in the morning class. We learn all the same things. He wanted to come for the car ride so he could say bye to me but then stayed in the car when I went in. 

When we walk into the classroom, I see a rainbow carpet and desks. There are two desks pressed together lots of times. 

“Hi! You must be Castiel Novak, it’s very nice to meet you. My name is Ms. Singer but you can also call me Ms. Karen if you prefer. You’re going to be seated right over there next to Dean. You can hang up your bag and coat and then head on over to the carpet. Mom, you can stay until 9:15.”

Mommy says it’s 9:05. She helps me hang up my bag and coat and walks me over to the carpet where all the other kids and their parents are sitting. There are some blocks and toys. I walk over to the bookshelf and pick up the only chapter book there. I get through the first 2 chapters before Ms. Singer comes back over.

“Okay, parents, class is about to start so you can all head home, and kiddos, you can take your seats.”

“Bye, Mommy,” I say, putting the book back on the shelf and hugging her. She ruffles my hair and kisses my cheek and then she leaves.

I walk over to my desk. In the seat next to me, there is another boy. He has green eyes and light brown hair. He’s wearing a grey sweater and jeans. I like his eyes.

“Hi, I’m Dean Winchester! What’s your name?” He asks me.

“Um… I’m Castiel Novak. Nice to meet you.”

“I’ve never heard the name Castiel before. It’s cool, you sound like some secret agent.”

I laugh a little and sit in my chair next to Dean.

“It’s so awesome we have deskmates. It’s like automatic friends.” I feel my eyes go wide.

“Friends?”

“Yeah! You’re my friend now. I mean, we’re gonna have to sit next to each other everyday, we should be friends. Can we be friends?” 

I smile and nod. “Yes. We can be friends.”

“Okay, little ones! First thing we’re going to do is get to know our deskmates. Through the year, your deskmate will be like your partner. You can help each other, work on things together, and more. So let’s take 10 minutes to talk to them, ask them what they like and get to know each other a little bit. Your time starts now!”

“So, what do you like to do?” I ask Dean. He thinks for a minute.

“I like to play video games and board games, I like sports, movies, sometimes only sometimes I like reading. What about you?”

“Well, I always love reading. It’s my favorite. I like drawing, writing, I also like board games and movies. And I like bees. They’re so cool!”

“Bees are scary, but kinda cool too, I guess. Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

“I have two brothers. My twin Gabriel, he’s in the afternoon class, and my big brother Michael. He’s in 3rd grade. Do you have any?”

“I have a little brother named Sam. He’s a baby. My mom says he’s 4 months old. How old are you?”

“4. I’ll be 5 in 10 days.”

“I’m 4, too!”

For the rest of the time, we talked about our favorite movies and our favorite games, I told Dean a little bit about some books I like to read, and then we were just talking about whatever. 

“Ok, everyone! Time is up! I’m sure you’d all love to talk to your deskmates a little bit more, and you will get to during play time, but for now we’re going to go around the room and introduce ourselves to everyone! I want you to say your name, a fun fact about you, and something you’re excited about in school this year! I’ll go first. My name is Ms. Singer, or Ms. Karen, a fun fact about me is that I have 2 cats, and I’m excited to get to know you all this school year!”

We go in alphabetical order by first name. First is a boy named Alistair, then a boy named Azazel, then a girl named Billie, then me.

“My name is Castiel Novak, a fun fact about me is that my birthday is in 10 days, and I’m excited to learn to read longer books.”

Azazel and Alistair laugh and whisper to each other. I don’t know why. I can’t hear what they are saying.

After me, it’s Dean’s turn. He stands up.

“My name is Dean WInchester, I think, a fun fact is that my favorite movie is Empire Strikes Back, and I’m excited to make friends, which I already started doing,” Dean says, poking my arm. Then he sits back down. My cheeks get hot and I smile. 

Lots more people go around the room and after everybody goes, Ms. Singer gives us a worksheet that you color in and write things about you. It has a butterfly on it. I pull out my pencil box and open it. There are lots of crayons and markers. I see Dean coloring in his butterfly with a pencil.

“Why are you using a pencil?” I ask him. His face gets red. 

“My mom and dad said that we don’t have enough money to buy school supplies other than a backpack so I had to use what we had. My dad just lost his job.”

I push my pencil box to where our desks touch. Dean looked at me, confused. “You can share mine. I have enough.”

Dean smiles. He has a very nice smile. His smile makes me smile. I don’t know why. It’s all bright and warm. It is just happy. I like it.

“Thanks, Cas.”

I look at him. He doesn’t see me looking. Cas? Cas. Cas.

When we finish our worksheets Ms. Singer collects them and tells us it’s naptime. She takes out some mats from the closets. They’re kind of big and there’s not enough for everyone to have their own so Ms. Singer says we will have to share.

Dean and I share and Dean falls asleep super quickly. I can’t fall asleep so I just watch him. I can hear him breathing a little bit. Not loud, but I can hear it. He looks so… what’s that word Mommy uses? Peaceful. 

He’s on his side facing me. I’m on my back with my head looking at him. He has really nice eyes, but he looks just as nice with his eyes closed. I don’t know how. Maybe it’s his freckles. Or the way he just looks happy in his sleep.

After nap time it’s playtime. Dean and I play Battleships. It’s Dean’s favorite. Then it’s snack time. Mommy gave me some Ritz Crackers. Dean didn’t have anything so I shared with him again.

Ms. Singer read us the first chapter of a book called Junie B. Jones and The Stupid Smelly Bus. Then it was time to go home.

“Do you want to come over to my house? I have a playset in my backyard!” I say to Dean.

“Oh, awesome! Yeah, I’ll ask my mom.”

I run over to Mommy and hug her tight.

“Hi baby! How was your day?” She asks me.

“Good! I made a friend named Dean. He’s my deskmate. Can he come over to our house so we can play in the backyard? Please!” 

Mommy laughs and crouches down next to me. “As long as Dean’s parents are okay with it. Let me go introduce myself to Dean’s mommy.”

We walk over to Dean and his mom. She has blonde hair and green eyes, just likes Dean’s eyes. 

“Hi, I’m Amelia Novak, Castiel’s mom. Apparently our sons have really hit it off!” Mommy and Dean’s mom laugh. 

“Yes, they have. I’m Mary Winchester. Dean says he’s been invited over, is that okay with you?”

“Oh, of course! Definitely, and we can drive him home also, I’m going to have to pick up my other son from the afternoon class so I can take him home then, around 3. That sound good?”

Dean grabs my arm before I can hear the rest of what they’re saying. “They said yes! Awesome!”

“Your mom is really nice!”

12 years later (January 11, 2013)  
Dean is 15, Cas is 16

“She just...” Dean began, water in his eyes, bottom lip shaking. “She just flatlined.”

I stand up quickly and wrap my arms around him. I try to hide that I am crying. As much as I loved Mary, Dean is upset. This isn’t part of my story. But he noticed. He cupped my face in his hand, wiping my tears with his thumbs. 

“Stop, Dean.” He drops his hands back down next to him. All I can do is hug him again. He buries his face against my neck. I can hear his strained and broken sobs. It’s all I hear in the quiet hospital lobby. Everyone is sleeping. I stayed awake for Dean. Even John is asleep. Dean stayed up with his mom. Till the last second. He keeps crying into me, I cry as well. I grab his wrist and walk him to the bathroom so he can cry a little more freely. 

He leans against the wall, bawling. His knees collapse beneath him. He sits on the floor. He looks so halo. His eyes are pouring on water rapidly. I sit next to him and snuggle up closer to him as we both cry. 

“I’m so sorry,” I manage to say, congested. He lets out another breathy sob. 

“I… what am I gonna say to everyone? Wh- Why’s it gotta be me.”

I shake my head. I don’t know. It’s so unfair. 

“I’ll be right there with you. But take a minute. There’s no time frame.”

Another sob. “But there is, though. I can’t just wait in here for hours while she’s dead and both my family and yours are sitting out there with hope. I can’t just-“

“Hey. You wanna tell them now so it’s over with? Then we can go home? Or anything.” I’m still crying. Everything I say comes out with heavy congestion. 

Dean nods. We stand up, I hold his hand. We walk out to the lobby. He looks at me, so done, and shakes his head. I clear my throat loud enough to wake everyone out of the half sleep they’ve fallen into. 

Dean opens his mouth to speak. He can’t. He just shakes his head again. My mom, Sam, Gabriel and John all burst into tears. Michael and my dad are crying, slightly. My dad will probably cry a lot more at home, as will Michael. Sam looks like he can hardly breathe. I walk over to him and crouch down. Dean is standing there, empty. I hug Sam and walk back over to Dean. 

“Do you want to go home? Or anywhere?”

He lets out a long, shaking breath before he just curls back into me. “If we leave, it’s real.”

I hug him tighter, my breath heavy and my bones shaking. I feel his heart beating so fast. He’s not going to be okay for a while. 

“I know. But Dean, you haven’t showered in a week. You haven’t eaten in days. You’ve barely slept. Why don’t we go get some drive through and then I’ll drive you home.”

“Don’t you need an adult?” Dean asks. Technically, I don’t have a license yet, just a permit. 

“I just won’t get caught. Come on.”

I walk over to John. “Hi, I’m going to take him home. He can’t… be here anymore.”

He rolls his eyes causing more tears to fall onto his cheeks. “Classic Dean. Leaving when it gets tough. Take the impala. I’m gonna want to walk home tonight. Sam’ll catch a ride with your parents.”

I guess I’m spending the night.

Dean asks me to put on my playlist in the car. When I remind him that they are mainly only sad songs on it, he says that he knows, that’s why he’s asking for it. 

He’s still crying in the car. His sobbing has stopped but his tears flow over his skin softly and devastatingly. I don’t know what to do. 

“Dean, I just want you to know that I’m here for you through all this. I mean, maybe you already know that, but if you need me for anything, I’ll be there. And I hate that you need to go through this. I loved your mom and I know how much you loved her. And I’m so sorry. Just…if you need anything, I’ll be there. I promise.”

He sniffles. “Thank you. I really appreciate it. At least I’ll always have you. You’re the best thing in my life.”

We say that to each other a lot. Sometimes in comfort or sorrow, sometimes randomly, we just say it, it’s kind of our thing. Without taking my eyes off the road, I grab his hand. He inhales sharply and starts crying again. I find a place to pull over. We’re in some grocery store parking lot. It’s empty except for 3 cars toward the front of the lot.

At this moment, I thank the world that there is no center console in the impala. I unbuckle and squirm myself over to Dean and rest my head softly on his shoulder. I hug him with one arm. His shaky breathing and wet sobs rattle against his ribcage. I can feel them on my skin. He’s crying more than I’ve ever seen him cry. I cry as well but a lot more quietly. I have never been one to sob. Most times when I cry, you can barely even notice. My eyes just glimmer a little bit and I frown. It’s more than that this time, for obvious reasons.

“What am I… How do I just go on with my life now? You know? She was my mom. She was beautiful and kind and everyone who knew her loved her and now, what, she’s just gone? And now I have to be alone with my dad? I mean I know I have Sam, but my only parent now is gonna be my fucking dad. I hate him.” He pauses. “It should’ve been him.”

I can find no words to reply to that. I can’t agree. Even if I do agree. I just clutch onto Dean tighter as he falls apart. I hate seeing him like this. It’s like needles. It’s like stepping on broken glass. Like drowning. Seeing someone you love so broken hurts like hell.

“I’m so sorry, Dean. I don’t even… I’m so sorry. I hate that you had to go through this and now… I just…” my voice begins to waver. Dean snaps his head over to me. “Sorry, god, I shouldn’t be crying-”

“I’d kill you if you weren’t crying. First of all, Mary was a part of your life for 12 years so it should be a given, and second of all, crying with me is like, rule number one in the best friend hand book, so.” Out of my mouth comes a small, sad chuckle. “Cas, look at me.” I turn up at him from where I had my head on his shoulder. “I don’t want you to feel like because she was my mom you can’t be upset about it. You and my mom… I loved your relationship and how you guys were with each other. I’m expecting you to have feelings about it also.”

Kind. All the time, he’s just kind. He’s loving and caring and selfless. He’s kind.

“Thank you, Dean. You’re amazing. You’re going to be okay, someday. I know it.”

He nods. He doesn’t believe me. I don’t blame him, though. I can’t imagine losing a parent at 15. To lose the person who brought you into the world and raised you and took care of you.

“We should go get food now. And then we’ll head back to your house. Or if you want we can just go back and order. We’re both terrible chefs, so.”

Dean laughs under his breath. “Can we go to your place instead? I just… I don’t think I can go home yet. That place is covered in my mom. I’d feel her everywhere but also have to know that she was never going to be in it again. I just… I know I’ll have to go home eventually, but not tonight. I can’t tonight.”

Dean’s house has never been his home. He’s always preferred to be at my house or with his friends, and not to flatter myself, he’s always preferred to be with me than any place in particular. And it is the same on my part. Dean is my home, I am his. It’s known. And he’s never particularly liked his home. Not the home itself, per se, but seeing the idea of his family in the house. He loves Sam. He loved his mom. But all their love was infected by fear of John Winchester. Sam never did anything to make him mad. He played everything safe. Mary loved him, but not the type of love that should be present in a marriage. 

I love Dean. Being in love with your best friend is the most terrifying and beautiful thing. Sometimes I imagine what would happen if I lost him. I’d cry for weeks, months, probably years. And then I’d become one of those melancholy and metaphorical people. Until he came back. I think I’d be a little more myself if he was back. And I believe if I ever did lose Dean, I would get him back. Someday. But, I don’t need to think about that. I’m not going to lose him. 

At McDonald’s, Dean gets fries and ginger ale. It’s odd, seeing him not order half the menu. He says it’s all he thinks he’ll be able to keep down. I order chicken nuggets and a coke. Dean only eats a few fries before giving them to me, but drinks his ginger ale like it’s saving his life. I imagine he feels sick. I do, and I’m sure however I feel, Dean feels it times 100. 

When we get home, only Gabriel is there. He tells me that Michael said he couldn’t be here. He left. As mad as I am that he left without saying goodbye at a time like this, I get it. Michael and Mary were close. My dad is staying with Sam until John gets home, and our mom… my mom and Dean’s mom, you must understand, they were best friends. They were those moms. My mom went to have some alone time. Dean goes up to shower. I can hear him crying over the water. Gabriel, who is usually the life of the party, sits curled up in a ball silently in the corner of our couch. Tears drip on his cheeks, but there's no noise. His face is blank. My family and the Winchester’s are extremely close. Well, we all kind of share a hatred of John. It’s unspoken. But Mary used to watch us all, babysit. I grew up with her cooking. She taught me things just as much as my own parents. Gabriel always kind of idolized Mary. Everyone thought it was adorable. 

I go up to my room. It’s quiet. The sound of the water and crying is distant. I hear my own thoughts and my own crying. I feel tears drench my face until my eyes are burned shut and if I lay on my side my pillow gets wet. And then Dean comes in. He’s already changed into pajamas, he probably got some before he got in the shower. His face is red, along with his eyes. I don’t think he was expecting me to be crying as much as I was. 

“Woah, buddy, hey,” he muttered, climbing into bed next to me. I bury my face into the crook of his neck as I cry. He lets himself cry again too, and we both sob into each other until eventually Dean falls asleep on my shoulder. This is his first time sleeping in 4 days. I lay him down and lie next to him and try to sleep. I can’t at first, but when he subconsciously, unawarely puts his arm around me and curls in, and I can hear his sleepy breathing closer, I lean into it and fall asleep quickly. 

I’m not out yet. No one knows I’m gay. I think my mom, maybe Michael also, suspects it. That’s all just speculation, though. I don’t think Dean has any idea. I don’t think he’s given it much thought. I was planning on coming out to him tonight. But obviously, that didn’t happen. 

I want to do it this week, though. Maybe the timing is bad, but I doubt he’ll be mad at me for the timing. But I don’t know. Whenever it feels right, I guess. 

I guess I just didn’t expect the “right time” to be 8 in the morning. 

“Good morning, sunshine,” Dea mumbled, shaking my arm. I groan disapprovingly, flopping away from him. “Come on, Cas. For real.”

“Fine. Good morning.” I roll back over with a tired smile and brush my hair out of my face. 

“Distract me.”

I furrow my brow and shake my head. “What?”

“Tell me something that will take my mind off it. I can’t stop thinking about it. Just distract me.”

It was simple. Easy. Plus, Dean in the morning has always been a comfort to me. His eyes are sleepy and his hair is all ruffled. And this morning, especially, the sun is shining right on him. His skin is glowing and his eyes glisten a bright green and something about the sound of the birds and his faint breathing just give me that extra push. 

“Anything?”

“Nothing bad. If you’re pregnant, I can’t handle that stress right now, I’m not ready to raise a child. Keep that one to yourself.”

I let out a small giggle and shake my head. “Don’t worry I’m on the pill. But… no, actually, I have something. But you have to promise to one, not make fun of me, two, don’t say anything until I’m done, and three, just be cool, okay?”

Concerned and cautious, Dean nods. I sit up, Dean does the same. I feel a lump in my throat. “So…” my voice wavers, “I have grown up learning about love, or whatever, and people always told me I’d find a wife and have kids and live an apple pie life. And I never really… I mean, I guess I want it, but not… not like that. I don’t see myself getting a wife. I…” I’m fully crying now. “I’m gay. Yeah. Um… that’s… that’s it. You can talk now.”

That is my first time saying it out loud.

He wipes my tears and hugs me. I try to not cry. I fight the growing strain in my throat until it pops and I let out a sob. Dean pulls back. 

“Hey, hey, hey. Why are you crying? Cas… listen. I don’t… it’s fine. I don’t care. You’re my best friend and there is nothing that could ever change that. Ok?” I nod and Dean wipes my tears again. He always does that. Has since we were little. 

“Ok.”

Another hug. Warm, happy, calming. And hopefully, distracting. He’s smiling, at least. I don’t know why I was nervous. I knew he would react like that. He’s Dean.

However, this next part I have not anticipated. 

“And while we’re… confessing… or whatever, I’m not straight. I guess I’m bi, so. Yeah.”

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I have a chance. 

“Oh, cool. You know, you got through that a lot more easily than me and you’re making me seem like a drama queen.”

“Well, you are a drama queen.”

After rolling my eyes, I flop back down onto the pillow. My thumbs fiddle with each other, I chew on my lip, and my brain just floods. I pick up a notebook. 

“What are you doing?” Dean asks, leaning over to look at the words my pencil scribbles onto the paper. I don’t even know what I’m writing. It’s just coming out. 

“Writing. I don’t… I’m just… Words, paper, pencil.”

“Interesting.”

It comes out a little like this.

Love Room - Castiel Novak

Love is intricate.  
Has there ever been such detail in much else?  
If love was a room, it would be a ballroom or a great hall.  
A room like that in one of those old mansions.  
Paintings of cherubs on the ceiling  
Statues of beautiful people  
Gold shaving placed strategically around the room.  
You can’t see where the wall ends and the ceiling begins  
And the stairs at the far side of the room are marble.  
Love is like that room.   
It is beautiful.  
It takes your breath away at first glance   
But it is so complicated   
And there is so much that goes into it to make it beautiful.  
But how should I know what love looks like?  
It’s different for everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of homophobia, cancer/death trigger, grief


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Serious TW: talk of su!c!de attempt and mental health issues

Chapter 6  
DEAN

So, I probably shouldn’t have only packed 1 suit and jeans and a t-shirt. What can I say, I didn’t think I was about to have a date with Cas. I mean, I didn’t think I’d have a date with anyone, but with anyone else I’d probably be fine with jeans and a t-shirt.

“Oh my god, Dean, you sound like a 15 year old girl, just wear the jeans and the t-shirt you’re literally going to a coffee shop. Plus that’s a totally fine outfit. He’s not going to be fancy or expecting you to be fancy,” Charlie yells from the bathroom after 20 minutes of me ranting about my dilemma.

“Yeah, I guess. Yes. Okay. That.” I change fast because it’s already 10:30 and I want to get there a few minutes early. I was going to comb my hair, but then I remember how Cas used to always say that he likes my hair fluffy so I just tidy it a little. 

“Okay, you gotta be back by 3:00 latest because I want to go see Jo again before we leave and I’m too awkward to go without you. Be a gentleman, don’t be stupid, and be yourself.”

Not being a gentleman and not being stupid both contradict the “be yourself” portion of Charlie’s advice, so I guess I’ll have to figure that out. I talk to myself in the car, grumbles of “you got this” and “it’s Cas, how hard can this be?” And I get there at 10:52.

“Dean Winchester? Is that you?” Donatello asks as I walk in. Nicest guy ever, and super smart. He can speak almost every language.

“Sure is. I’m here for Michael Novak’s wedding, it was yesterday. I’m leaving today so I’m meeting Cas here before I go.”

“Oh, it’s so great that you guys are still friends after all this time. Well, grab a table and I’ll send Crowley over to take your order when Castiel is here. It’s great to see you Dean-O.”

My stomach squirms a little when he says how we’ve stayed friends after all this time. As much as I know Cas forgives me and shit, I feel like an asshole for cutting myself off. Especially when I knew how much hell he was going through with his family. But we haven’t been friends all this time, as much as that fucking kills me. 

Cas gets here at around 10:58. He seemed pleasantly surprised that I was here before him. I met him at the door and we walked over to the table. I’m not the master of dates, but I see people pull chairs out for whoever they’re with a lot so I do that. 

“Very chivalrous of you,” Cas laughed out quietly of you. I want to roll my eyes, but for some reason I decide not to, laughing along instead. Then, Crowley comes over. 

“Wow, Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak, together after all this time. It’s great to see you both, what can I get you?”

“I’ll have a decaf iced coffee, black and Cas…” I begin, Cas looks up at me. 

“Do you remember my order?”

“Hell yeah I remember your order, he’ll have a decaf hot coffee, one ice cube, with half and half one and 2 splendas. And a pumpkin scone.”

The cutest part isn’t how dumbfounded he looks, it’s how his nose and ears are getting pink like they always have when he blushes. And how his bottom lip twitches and he blinks super fast. He hasn’t changed. 

“You-“

“I told you I remember.” His mouth stayed open until Crowley walked away when he shook his head in disbelief. 

“You even remembered the ice cube. I wasn’t expecting that.” 

This time, I do roll my eyes. “First of all, I know everything about you like the back of my hand. Second of all, you’ve been ordering that since you were 10 years old, how could I forget?”

“You couldn’t remember Michael’s last name until we were 14 and we reminded you of it everyday. But you remember my coffee order?”

Maybe that’s because I’m madly in love with you and there’s not a single thing you could tell me about yourself that could change that and everything you like I immediately note down in my mind and recite to myself and remember forever. 

“Yeah, Cas. I remember.” He must sense my embarrassment. Cas to the rescue. 

“Yours is different.” My eyes shoot up. “What, do you think you’re the only one with a memory? You used to get whole milk in it.”

I love you, I love you, I love you. 

“Yeah, turns out I’m lactose intolerant now. As of 2 years ago.”

“I told you! For years, I said it, I knew it! You always said it wasn’t the excessive amount of parmesan cheese you put on your pasta or something, and I always said it.” 

He did always say it. I always agreed, just in my head. I loved dairy but then it became unbearable. 

“Yeah, yeah, calm down. But yeah. Thanks for noticing, I guess?”

Cas’s laugh is like summer. It’s warm and everyone likes it and it’s like an escape from reality for a while until he stops laughing and I just wish he would start up again. And everytime he laughs I almost just blurt it out again, I love you, I love you, I love you. Maybe one day I’ll get to say it to him for real, just like I do in my head, over and over and over, quietly. Maybe if today goes well. 

And it does. I feel like we never stop laughing. And we tell each other stories about stuff that happened since I moved and at some point that cliche “there’s laughing and then one of you puts your hand on the other persons” and then we just don’t stop, I guess. We kind of stop, but not really. We just link pinkies and leave it there, which is maybe stupid or something, but to be completely honest, this is the best I’ve felt in a really long time. 

“Jesus, Cas, I missed you so fucking much.”

He looks down and nods sadly. “I know. I missed you too, Dean. But let’s talk logistics for a minute. You’re leaving in 6-ish hours…” he bites his lip. “Then what?” The little break and waver in his voice is painful. 

“Cas-“

“I don’t want to lose you again. I don’t want the radio silence and the awkward email exchange. I can’t miss you that much… again. If this,” he lifts our interlocked pinkies, “is anything, we’ll talk on the phone. We’ll visit each other on a regular basis. Can we do that? Can we make it work?”

“Letters.” Cas does his confused head tilt. “We can call and visit, but I’ll write you letters. Letters are better. The little wax closures and shit. Handwritten, of course. I’ll have to practice my signature but-“

“You’re going to write me letters?”

“Yes. I’ll write one everyday until you get bored of me. But you have to promise to write me back or it’s just embarrassing. Deal?” I hold out my hand and Cas grabs back to shake it, surprised when I pull it forward and kiss his hand. The blush again. Put this time, replace the lip twitch into the mist adorable smile you’ve ever seen in your life. 

I love you, I love you, I love you. 

“Wanna go for a walk?” Cas asks. I pull out my wallet and drop a 20 dollar bill on the table and stand up. 

“Let’s go,” I say as I stand up, unlinking our pinkies and Cas frowns during the very short moment before I intertwine each finger of my hand with his. 

I’m on a date with Castiel Novak and I’m holding his hand and we’re going on a fucking walk. I love you, I love you, I love you just ringing in my head like some kind of god damn bell. 

It’s about 1. That gives us 2 hours, a little less. We walk to our old schools, past my old house, through the park our high school functions were held at, and finally, we sit on a bench by the lake by where we parked our cars. It’s 2:15. 

We don’t talk for a while. Cas rests his head on my shoulder and stares at our hands that haven’t let go of each other once since we started walking. It feels really surreal. It’s kind of just hitting me. I’m in Lawrence, with Cas, on a date, and we’re going to try to be together. Shows how fast things with Cas and I would’ve gone if my dad didn’t exist. 

“I don’t wanna leave again. I love it here. Lebanon kind of sucks. I love the internship and all but the town sucks. Everyone is so… I don’t know. It’s largely conservative. It’s boring. I love it here.”

“I don’t want to go either. Hutchinson is nice, but nothing is better than Lawrence. At least I have a few more days though.”

“Yeah. Oh! Guess what, Charlie wants to go to The Roadhouse to see Jo before we leave. You know, I think they’d be a great couple. Hey, you should come with us. Then we don’t have to cut our time short. When’s the last time you were at The Roadhouse? Jo and Ellen were asking me about you when I went Friday night. They’d love to see you.”

“Really?” Cas asks with a humble smile on his face.

“Yeah. We’ve still got some time though. We should go at 2:45.”

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

I think it over and over so much my mouth starts to feel weird, like I should be saying it at this point. But I can’t drop that on our first date. Not with our history. We were best friends, we spent a day together, and now we’re on a date. Shit, did we rush into this? I guess not every love story has to be a slow burn.

What am I saying? We were best friends for years. We are a slow burn.

But I don’t care. Because I’m in love with him. Madly, completely, and unconditionally. 

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

Head on shoulder. Fingers intertwined. Knees brushing. 

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

Laughing and talking and flirting.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.  
The odd way that I feel completely at ease and not nervous or uncomfortable at all, I’m just happy. I’m so happy. I literally can’t find any other god damn way to put it. I can’t remember the last time I really, actually and genuinely smiled. I really smiled when Cas hugged me at the wedding, when we were dancing, at Donatello’s and now.

I love you. 

“Did you know that the swing set is still here? And it works?” Cas asks me, lifting his head off my shoulder. “We should go. I haven’t been on a swing in years. We have some time.”

“Okay.” 

We walk over to the old, run down, empty playground. Everything is rusted and the paint is chipped. The grass is overgrown. But the swings are there. And functional. Cas looks so excited by them. The little glimmer in his eyes is something I recognize from when we were kids. 

Cas drops my hand for the first time in over an hour and a half. I have never felt anything so fucking empty. It’s like my hand is halo. Like it’s gone altogether. Which is a gross feeling. I need my fucking hand.

But he only let go to run over to the swing which is so adorable I don’t even know what to do with myself. He’s so excited by swings. He’s like a little kid. He’s pretty high in the air before I even get on the swing. This is some kind of Freaky Friday shit.

The creek of the swings is deafening. With both of us, two grown men, on an old, abandoned swing set, the chains are screaming. It hurts my ears, but Cas gives zero shits. It’s like he doesn’t even hear it.

At 2:45, I jump off the swing. Cas follows. 

“We should go,” I say. Cas nods and grabs my hand again. We walk back to our cars. We decide we’ll take my car and then I’ll drive Cas back here after. We listen to music in the car, singing every word like we did when Cas got his license. He was so excited. He made a playlist of just songs that would be good to scream in the car. 

I can smell Lawrence. It doesn’t actually smell like much, but it’s so distinctive in my mind that everything stands out. Hell, even the way the pavement glimmers in the sun is distinctive to me. I loved living here. And a large part of that was because of Cas, but it wasn’t only Cas. I had my other friends. Even if they were entitled, or spoilt, or whatever, they had their bright moments. We had fun. I loved them. And I loved the schools, and the parks, and I just kind of have everything memorized. Even after not being here for 7 years, I could still tell you the quickest way to any spot in town. I could tell you every secret hideout. So the smell? One of the easiest things for me to remember.

But I don’t think it’s just the smell. When I’m in Lawrence, I know I’m in Lawrence. Okay, maybe that sounds stupid. It doesn’t really feel surreal, because I get such a distinct feeling in this town that I don’t even need to remind myself. It’s amazing. I love everything about this place.

Moving from here, leaving this town, leaving Cas, leaving Ellen and Jo and everything else, that was the worst day of my life. My dad had to physically drag me out of the house. I was like a four year old, kicking and screaming and crying. Sam was in the car and all my friends and the Harvelle’s and the Novak’s were there and Cas was sobbing and Gabriel and Michael were holding him back, it was awful. Hael and Hester and Chuck stood there like nothing was happening, Jimmy and Amelia were trying to talk to my dad who wouldn’t listen. We didn’t even have a house yet. Hell, we didn’t even know where we were going until my dad pulled into his mom’s house in Lebanon. We stayed there until we had a place. My dad gave us an hour to pack all our shit. He threw boxes at us and told us whatever we left he’d come back for but to pack everything because I was a fucking disgrace and we had to leave. Couldn’t have that in his house, that’s not how he raised us. Mom would be so disappointed in me for “choosing” that lifestyle. So we had to go. He was gonna fix this one, for good this time. He could fix me! Well, looks like you did a shitty job at that Dad.

Mom wouldn’t have been disappointed. Mom loved me for everything I was, the good and the bad. And this isn’t bad. It’s not bad. There’s nothing wrong with me. She would’ve known that. My biggest regret: I came out to the first person the day after she died. Never told her. She never knew. She would have supported me, despite what Dad thought. Dad was a moron anyway, what does he know? I haven’t seen him in 6 years and I don’t plan to see him ever again. There are better things in my life than him. Obviously. But I don’t need him to love me or be there for me. I don’t need that loving father that I grew up seeing my friends all have. And you know why? Because I have Sam, I have Cas, I have Sam’s girlfriend who I’m actually pretty good friends with, I have Charlie, I have my other work friends, and I have myself. I have enough. 

It would be nice though. You know, to have a dad that loved me and supported me. I deserve that, at least. I’m a good person. I’m not doing anything wrong with my life. I just couldn’t convince my dad. But maybe that’s a good thing. I shouldn’t be wasting my time trying to convince someone to love me who refused. I shouldn’t have to beg.

“Dean, are you okay?” Cas asks, turning down the music and looking at me with gentle concern. He kind of always has a look of gentle concern on his face. Furrowed eyebrows, slight frown. It’s a lot like his confused face. 

“Yeah, sorry, just got kind of lost in thought. It’s so weird being back here, it brings up so much.”

“I get what you mean. It always feels weird for me when I visit. Which really, oddly enough, is rarely. For example, to explain how long it’s been, at the wedding yesterday, the last book on my bedside table in my old room was Little Women which I last reread when I was 22, so.”

“Wow. That surprises me, actually. I feel like if I had family here I’d come every damn day,” I say with a chuckle. Cas doesn’t find this amusing. He actually looks visibly sad after I say this.

“Dean, you weren’t here at the end of junior year and senior year. You missed a lot. For the first few weeks, I only left the house for school. I’d only focus on school. I’d wake up, go to school, come home, do homeworks, and go back to sleep. Or something like that. And it only got worse. I started missing school at least once a week, but somehow I still managed to keep up my grades. Meg would usually bring me whatever I missed. And my dad would always excuse my absences so somehow I still managed to get into NYU. But anyway, in senior year it got really bad, but not in the way you’d think. I started going back to school, doing things. But only to distract myself. I piled on so many things to distract myself, I joined a thousand clubs, worked multiple jobs, even night shifts, so with school and work I was barely sleeping. The stress was so bad that I was throwing up from it. A lot. I started having… thoughts. Even with the distractions, nothing helped with… missing you or needing you or feeling guilty about you. One day, I swallowed what was left of a pill bottle, which was a significant amount. Apparently it wasn’t enough to kill me so I just threw up a lot, again, and then Gabriel walked in and saw the pill bottle and saw me throwing up. My parents were obviously super concerned and devastated, I had to get therapy and they even tried to contact your dad but got nothing. After a few weeks of therapy, things started to be tolerable again. So, I don’t love coming back here. I mean, I do, but it’s difficult. From before you left, everything was great. And then you left, and everything was awful and being back here makes me relive those memories.”

Shit. Fuck. No no no. 

No. Fuck. It was my fault. 

No. Shit. Fuck.

He tried to-

No. No no no. 

Stop crying. I have no right to be crying. Cas isn’t even crying. It’s my fault. 

“I’m so- it was my fault. I’m so sorry, Cas. I should’ve… I’m so sorry. I had no idea. I’m so-“

“Dean. Stop it. It wasn’t your fault. You don’t have to apologize. It was my mistake. Okay?”

“I… I don’t know what… okay. But you’re better now?”

“Yes. Much. More than significantly. I would never think of doing that again.”

The rest of the car ride is quiet. Tears continue to streak down my face silently. I feel awful. I didn’t even know. He could’ve died. If there were enough pills I would’ve had to go to his funeral. I would’ve had to go on without him. And it would’ve been all my fault, despite what Cas says. How could I live with myself after that? 

We wouldn’t be on this date. I wouldn’t be able to write him letters. No way I ever would’ve come back here. If I had lost Cas like that, I don’t know what I would do. I can’t imagine receiving that call. And I thought things were bad for me after I left. I had a lot of the same things Cas explained, the absences, the staying in bed, the distractions. But like I keep saying, Cas puts himself above others and I was always the one to even him out. I was the one to keep him grounded and keep him okay. How did I not think about that after I left? I should’ve known how bad it would be for him. I could’ve done something. 

“Dean. I’m serious. I’m okay, it’s okay. I wouldn’t have told you if I knew how upset it would make you. I’m sorry.”

I shake my head vigorously, waving him off. “No, Cas, I’m glad you told me. I just… I had no idea you went through that. I mean obviously it was extremely hard for me when you left, but Cas, I can’t even-”

“Well, we always knew how much I… felt things. You were always there for me, so the idea of not having you there for me was awful, and then that made me stress out, and then you weren’t there for that so that made it worse, and it was just a never ending cycle. But look, here we are. In this car. You know, this is the first time I’ve ever seen you drive on a street? Let’s talk about happy things, like that. As the person who used to give you driving lessons, this is very exciting for me.”

I laugh sadly, but Cas can see right through me like he always could. And he knows exactly how to fix it, like he always could. 

“Give me your phone,” he said, holding out his hand. Without hesitation, I pick it up and drop it into his palm. He guesses my password immediately and opens Spotify.

I used to think one day they’d tell the story of us / How we met and the sparks flew instantly /  
And people would say we’re the lucky ones

“So you remember my love for Taylor Swift.”

“You only sang Shake It Off every day for, like, 4 years. And then every other song. And then you forced me to learn every word to every song.”

“A person who doesn’t love Taylor Swift is not a person I want to be spending my time with.”

“Yeah, I got that when you broke up with Lisa Braeden because she said Kanye made her famous.”

“That was bullshit.”

I’ve stopped crying and we’re both hysterically laughing. I swerve a little which causes Cas to anxiously say “oh my god” through a laugh. Taylor Swift is the best medicine.

“Now I’m standing alone in a crowded room and we’re not speaking!!!” We both yell on the top of our lungs. “And I’m dying to know, is it killing you like it’s killing me, yeah. I don’t know what to say, since a twist of fate, when it all broke down. Yeah the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.”

“Next chapter.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: talk of su!c!de attempt , blood , homophobia

Chapter 7  
Castiel

The Roadhouse. I haven’t been in years. Charlie is already inside with Jo, who is leaning on the bar flirtatiously as Charlie looks like she could explode at any moment. Ash is tending to some customers who actually look familiar, maybe from school. 

Oh dear god.

“Dean,” I mutter quietly, grabbing the sleeve of his t-shirt. He turns his head quickly at me, his eyes squinting from the sun. “That’s Alistair and Azazel.”

“Oh, you’ve gotta be fucking with me. No, you know what, like Taylor Swift, there is nothing I do better than revenge.” There’s a silence. “Come on, she’s in my head now.”

“Dean, what are you going to do?” I ask cautiously.

“That’s the thing: nothing. I’m going to pay them no attention, and I’m going to act like they’re not there, and for once with these assholes, I’m going to be the bigger person and not beat the shit out of them. Come on.” He puts an arm around me and walks us inside where Jo runs up to me with a hug.

“Castiel! Ugh, it’s so good to see you! And Dean, I know I saw you last night but I’m hugging you again because oh my god, you’re here!” Alistair and Azazel definitely recognized our names together and are looking over at us angrily. They’re muttering to each other. But, it’s like Dean said. The revenge we’re using is maturity. Pay them no attention. Don’t focus on them. I’m on a date with Dean, they are the last thing I need to be paying attention to.

“Dean, Castiel, it’s so dope to see you both!” Ash greets us, fist bumping us both. 

Charlie has appeared next to Dean and is talking about her time with Jo so far which has only been ten minutes. But they got each other’s numbers apparently. And flirted a lot. I see it. They would be really great together. 

When we sit at the bar, Ellen comes over and hugs me and kisses my cheek. Ellen is warm. She always has been. She gives really amazing hugs. And I don’t know if it’s the dim orange/yellow lighting, or the rustic design, or anything, but this place always feels so welcoming. There’s quiet muffled conversations, but the loudest is the one not being had. Azazel and Alistair aren’t speaking. They’re both staring directly at me and they look so angry. 

Just ignore them, Cas.

I don’t know when I started referring to myself as Cas in my head. Dean is the only one who calls me that. My family calls me Cassie, Meg calls me Clarence, everyone else calls me Castiel. But for some reason, in my head, in my thoughts, I am Cas.

They’re standing up.

No, no, no.

They’re coming over.

“Dean, they’re coming over here,” I mumble just loud enough for him to hear it. He turns to me over his shoulder and then looks over to Azazel and Alistair who are standing right in front of us.

“Winchester, Novak. I see you two are still-” Alistair begins. Azazel rolls his eyes because every time Alistair speaks, especially to us, he talks in this long, drawn out, nasally voice.

“Shut up, Alistair. What the fuck are you two doing back in our town? Winchester, I thought we finally got you out for good, and Novak, you’re not back a lot and I can tolerate you as long as you’re not here with him. You two together? Bad idea. You should both leave.”

“Aww, don’t worry, A! Look, we’ve got chaperones. So why don’t you kindly leave us the fuck alone and let us enjoy our one day together. I’m leaving in two hours. Then we’ll be out of your hair because like you said, neither of us are here that often. Hell, this is my first time back since I moved. So please gentlemen, if I can even call you gentlemen, leave us alone. We don’t have any issue being here with you if you just mind your own business and leave us alone. Sounds good? Great.”

“No, Winchester. Doesn’t sound great. Get out of our bar or-”

“Woah, woah fellas,” Jo interrupts, “This ain’t your bar. This is me and my mom’s bar. So don’t go callin’ it your own cause you recognize it’s greatness. I could easily kick your asses to the curb so I’d be a little more graceful if I were you.”

“Yeah, like we’re scared of you, princess. I think we can handle our own matters.”

“First of all, you should be scared of me. But second, fine, you’re not scared of me. But you’ll be terrified of my mom.”

As if it were planned, Ellen comes out of the back room moments later. She spots us and smiles. 

“Castiel Novak! It’s so good to- is there a problem, boys?” She asks firmly. Yeah, Ellen is scary. 

“Yeah, we got a problem with these two assholes. They shouldn’t be here. Especially not together,” Azazel explains to Ellen, who’s face grows with anger. Her eyebrows twitch.

“I’d actually like you two out. No one talks to my boys like this. I’ve known this one,” she gestures to Dean, “since he was in the womb and this one,” she gestures to me, “since he was four years old. You two are just some assholes who aren’t in the right time period. I won’t tolerate it here. Out.”

Alistair looks successfully scared and starts to get his stuff to leave. Azazel, however, stands in front of us. “No. We’re not leaving. Kick out the fa-”

I lose it. I lose it. I didn’t even think about it. He got to me. 

I just punch him in the face. Me. 

“Shut up!” Another punch. “Get out!” Another. “Leave!” Dean is holding me back now, everyone is staring. Azazel’s nose is bleeding, it looks broken. “Go.” I say steadily, resisting the waver that wants to come out.

Azazel grabs his stuff and walks out without a word as I wiggle out of Dean’s grip and collapse back into my chair, run to the back room of the bar and hide the fact that I’m crying. I can see everyone and hear everyone through the curtains but they can’t see me. Not well anyway. It’s silent. I bury my face in my hands. Azazel and Alistair were two of the worst. After Dean left, I thought they’d lay off, but no.

No one says anything for a while. I mean no one. The entire bar is silent. You could hear a pin drop. No one is really moving either. Everything is just quiet and still and I feel like I could just shrivel up like a leaf and dust away into air and that would be better than sitting here like this. 

My hand hurts from punching him. I’ve never punched someone before. Only playful little arm punches that feel like a tap. But he almost said it. He can’t say it.

My hands are soaked from my tears because I left my face in them so long. Still, I have heard nothing. Felt nothing. Seen nothing. Maybe I did disappear. Or maybe everyone left me there. Or maybe this has all been a dream and I’m 17 and I’m asleep in my room and I’ll wake up and go to the Winchester’s tomorrow and it won’t happen and… or maybe I’ll wake up and I’ll be 4. And it’ll be my first day of school. And Dean won’t be real. None of them will be real. Or maybe I’m 24 and it’s yesterday and my brother just got married and my date with Dean won’t move so fast and he won’t write me letters and we won’t make it work. Nothing will really happen, my whole “it’s a date” will seem like nothing but a little joke, and we’ll get coffee for an hour and then Dean will go back to his motel and pack and go home, because his home is in Lebanon now. I’m not his home anymore. He’ll go home, and we won’t call, we won’t talk, we won’t visit. It’ll be radio silence again for 7 years until Gabriel gets married, or Sam gets married, or someone dies, or one of our high school friends gets married, or worse, one of us gets married, and we’ve both moved on enough that we’ll go to each other’s wedding. I’m gonna wake up any second now. And I’ll be 4, or I’ll be 17, or I’ll be a day younger than I am today. I’m gonna wake up. I don’t wanna wake up.

Why am I not waking up?

I’ve freaked myself out. I don’t want to look out of my hands. What if I’m right? What if everyone is gone? Or what if I look out of my hands and I’m not in The Roadhouse? 

I’m most afraid that I’ll wake up in a hospital bed. Or I’ll wake up dead. I’m afraid that it worked, and all of this has been in my head while I’m comatose since I was 18 years old because I fucked up. Please be in The Roadhouse.

I finally lift my head, and I don’t know why I feel so surprised that I am exactly where I have been, sitting on a stool in a back room at The Roadhouse which is filled with the same people who were there before. 

Jo and all of the other patrons are sitting silently. Ellen and Dash are in the back, and Dean is… no. No, no, no. Where are Dean and Charlie?

“Wha- Where- He- What?” I manage out. Jo stands up and walks over to me, wrapping her arms around me. I’m confused.

“That was really brave, Castiel. I’m so proud of you, you’re finally standing up to those assholes. You’re all grown up.”

“Jo, where did Dean go? And Charlie?”

Please no.

“Um, well, they… Dean kind of… freaked out at Azazel. They were yelling at each other outside, no one could hear anything, but it looked heated and then Charlie tried to go mediate and Azazel hit Dean and I don’t know, I guess he got so… mad or something, he just got in his car and Charlie called me out and said bye to me and they just…”

“Left. He left me here.”

I was back there refusing to look out for 7 minutes. All because I scared myself into thinking this was all a dream. And now Dean left. He’s probably leaving to go back to Lebanon a few hours early. And it’s my fault.

You know what? No. It’s not my fault. I finally stood up to someone who was harassing us and Dean went outside and made it worse, and left like a toddler. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t even think about it. He just left me there. He didn’t have to go out there, I had already handled it and he definitely didn’t have to leave. And leave me there. He didn’t even say goodbye. It’s been 7 years and we had a really great, really romantic day together and now it’s over. What a rainy ending given to a perfect day. Fuck, it’s like Dean said, Taylor Swift is in my head.

Jo drives me back to my car. Apparently Charlie kissed her goodbye. Wish I could say the same but with Dean. Also, apparently, Charlie wanted to come say goodbye to me but Dean was yelling at her to get into the car. It kind of seemed like Dean was a little calmer now. I always knew how to deal with his anger and the irrational out of character things he did when he was mad, but I spent 7 minutes trying to process my own emotions instead of putting him above me one time and he left me. I can’t keep playing therapist, I have my own issues that need tending to. 

I decide to leave Lawrence today also. It’s already overwhelming for me to be back, but this really tipped me over the edge. I can’t be family guy right now, surrounded by my homophobic cousins and newly wed brother and loud twin. I need to be alone.

“Cassie, come on. Just stay a few more days. For your brother!” My dad pleads, pushing his glasses up his nose slowly. My mom nods in agreement, and I roll my eyes so aggressively that I feel like they could fall out. Why don’t they get it? How can living in this house be so easy for them after everything? 

“Listen. This isn't just about what happened today. Do you think I want to be spending a week in a house with Hael? Hael. And Hester, and Chuck, and Raphael, and all of them? You think I want to spend so much time in the house I tried to-” I stop myself. I don’t like saying it. “There’s still a puke stain on the tile. The bathroom is exactly the same. You can’t- you don’t get it. It’s too much for me, today was just the cherry on top.”

Mom is crying. Dad looks sadly at the floor and begins to speak. “We’ll just miss you, Cassie. And we’ll get that bathroom redone. We don’t… no one uses that bathroom so we didn’t think. I’m sorry. You can go.”

I put my suitcase in my car and start my drive to Hutchinson. 45 minutes into my ride, my phone rings. I answer hesitantly, probably a spam call. I don’t recognize the number.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Castiel, it’s Charlie Bradbury.”

I swear to god, if she’s talking on behalf of Dean.

“Oh. Hello.”

“Yeah, hi. I was just calling to say I’m sorry about what happened at the bar. Azazel and Alistair were both assholes, and I’m sure that Dean then also being an asshole didn’t help. I just wanted to formally say goodbye and it was such a pleasure to meet you, I think you’re a really awesome person and I’m sorry we didn’t get to spend more time together. I was really looking forward to getting to know you, it sucks that we didn’t get to talk more. So, yeah, that’s why I was calling.”

Oh. Wow, this girl is adorable.

“Oh, yes, same to you, from the short time that I spent with you, you definitely seem like a great person to know. Thank you for calling, it means so much to me, really.”

I can sense her smile over the phone. “Thanks, Castiel.”

“Well, again, it was great to meet you Charlie. And if you would, you can let Dean know he shouldn’t bother with the letters. I’m in the car right now, so I should get going, but thank you, again, for calling. I hope we meet again in the near future.”

“Ok, I’ll tell Dean, and yes definitely. Ok, buh-bye.”

She hangs up.

Now that’s the kind of friend I need. 

I shouldn’t have gone so fast with Dean. The hand holding and the head on shoulder and the perpetual flirting. I guess I thought because he’s Dean, I could kind of just go for whatever I wanted to do, and rushing was fine. I was wrong. I let myself get too attached to the idea of being with him. I knew it was too good to be true. 

I always knew it wouldn’t be that easy. I was in love with Dean from the moment I met him, and if it were that easy we would’ve gotten together much earlier and everything would be perfect. 7 years is a long time to just jump back in immediately. And I knew that. I’m smarter than this. I shouldn’t be so upset. 

I keep crying. I need to stop crying. I’m great. Dean would’ve been lucky to have me, it was his choice to leave me, the wrong choice. He doesn’t deserve me. 

And I know that. 

So why does it hurt so much?

Because he does deserve me. Dean is a really amazing guy. Today was weird. And I’m really sad that it ended like that because it was so perfect and I love Dean so much. That’s what it is. 

I love him. 

Of course I love him. It’s not a huge revelation. I knew that. I’ve acknowledged that. I’ve even acted on it. Watching someone you love fuck up and hurt you is almost worse than fucking up and hurting the person you love because you still love them anyway. No matter how bad they hurt you. There are very few things Dean could do to make me not love him. But why? Why should I keep loving him? Because he’s right. He could’ve called. He knew my number. He could’ve written. He knew my address. He could’ve said something at some point in between the 7 years that he said nothing. And I’ve spent all this time forgiving him and feeling sorry for him and feeling guilty. And he knew what I was going to have to deal with. He did leave. Not at first, no. But he made the choice to stay away. He left in his own way. He left by choosing not to come back. 

And I still love and forgive him. I don’t even care. 

I get home at around 6:30. It’s dark out, but not pitch black. It’s that dark blue before that deep purple or black color that comes late at night. My apartment building is lit by white fluorescent lights that stand out in the dim, brisk air. 

I decide to take the stairs instead of the elevator which may be irrational seeing as I live on the sixth floor of my apartment but the buzz of the broken light feels soothing tonight, and the only sound in the elevator is the disturbing creek that makes me feel like I’m about to die everytime. 

My apartment is exactly as it was before. Everything is right where I left it, but I don’t care. I walk over to my window to see out. In the nest, I see the robin sitting on her eggs. They should be hatching any day now. I was afraid they would hatch while I was gone and the robin would leave, and the chicks would leave too.

I look at my phone.

TEXT FROM: Meg Masters

4 TEXTS FROM: Gabe Novak

2 TEXTS FROM: Jo Harvelle

TEXT FROM: Rowena MacLeod

7 TEXTS FROM: Michael Novak

0 texts from Dean Winchester.

I open them one by one, short replies for them all.

Meg: Clarence!!! I thought you were leaving thursday, thought we’d get a drink! What the fuck happened?  
Me: Hey. I’m sorry. It would’ve been great to catch up. Personal stuff. Had to go home.

1 down, plenty to go.

Gabe: Twin-dude  
Gabe: What the h, man!!   
Gabe: How am I supposed to get through a kind of week with these assholes without my partner in birth?  
Gabe: I feel so abandoned )-:

Me: Sorry, Gabe. It was too much, stuff happened. Visit soon, please. 

Jo: Sad you left early  
Jo: It would’ve been cool to get the band back together.

Me: It would’ve. Just too much. I’m sorry. Please, call soon.

Rowena: Hi, Cas. We didn’t talk much at the wedding, I was hoping we’d get to spend some time together, it’s a shame you left early. );

Me: Hey, Ro. I’m really sorry. A lot is going on, please call soon.

Michael: Really?  
Michael: Come on, Cassie.  
Michael: This was for my wedding.  
Michael: We could’ve worked it out.  
Michael: Whatever it was.  
Michael: I’m gonna miss you.  
Michael: Fuck you.

Me: Michael, I’m so sorry. Truly. It was just too much, being back there and seeing everything, exactly as it was. And seeing everyone that made everything suck back then, and then some other really annoying stuff happened so I just had to get out of there. You have more than every right to be completely pissed off at me. I’m so sorry, and I’m so happy for you about Hannah, and I love you so much.

That was the hardest reply to write. It didn’t even occur to me how selfish I was being. All these people wanted to see me, they were counting on me, and I let them down. I left without saying anything to them. I did exactly what I’m mad at Dean for. The only people I told I was leaving were my parents.

But at least I had a reason. At least I didn’t storm out early in a fit of rage like a 5 year old. I was panicking. I was anxious and being here had a negative impact on my mental health. And at least I didn’t decide the right time to storm out was in the middle of the time I was spending with my best friend of 13 who I hadn’t seen in 7 years. With no real rhyme or reason.

I flop down onto my bed. Through my car ride, I was crying in little bits, watery eyes and a lump in my throat. This time, however, when I curl into a ball on my side of my bed, only one lamp to provide any light, I burst into tears. I full-out sob. Out loud, hard to breathe, long, shaky sobs. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I mutter through my breath as I pick up my phone again. Still nothi- no. 

TEXT FROM: Dean Winchester

Ok. What do I do here? I could just open it and reply like the mature adult that I am. I could ignore it and delete it. I could leave him on read.

I’ll just see what it says.

Dean: Hey, man. You left your charger in my car. 

Ok, this has to be a joke. He did not actually send this text. This one is a dream. 

Nope. He actually sent me this text. What the fuck?

Me: Just throw it out or keep it or something. I have more. Also, fuck you (:

Dean: Cas, I’m sorry but when Azazel and I were yelling at each other he said a lot of shit but he also said stuff that was true and I knew I couldn’t stay out with you after that whole situation.  
Me: So you left without saying goodbye? After that entire day? What the fuck, Dean? I don’t care what fucking Azazel said to you, that was my first day with you in 7 years and you left without saying goodbye. You just left me there. 

Dean: I’m sorry. Really.

Me: “best thing in my life”

I put my phone down and roll into my pillow and continue crying. He’s not replying, or so I thought until I received a three word text. No, it’s not I love you.

Dean: You deserve better.

Me: Don’t you get it? I don’t want “better”. I don’t want something else. I don’t want the reasons a fucking homophobe thinks we shouldn’t be together. I don’t want that. All I’ve ever wanted was you and you left me there. I don’t know if Charlie already told you this, but forget about the letters. 

Dean: Okay. If that’s what you want, okay. I won’t. I’m sorry again, Cas. 

Sorry. Right. Sure.


End file.
